Who told them, I wonder

Extremely bad taste, of course, to call me a Wild Ass Visitor and order me out, but who tipped them off, I wonder

This is your ... errr...captain

I'm writing this from Dubai airport. Took a flight here on the splendid Emirates airlines. For roughly the price of an ipod, I got pampered by the stewardess (intrguingly named 'Dragana'), got to watch two and a half movies on a tilting lcd screen, and developed double vision thanks to the copious Dewars Whisky plied by the said Dragana. But the thing that prompted me to write this post is the way pilots talk to us passengers when the plane is - how shall I put it - irrevocably in the air. Here's what he said ....."Good evening. This is your captain speaking from the flight deck. We are flying to..(pause)...err...(longer pause, sound of papers being shuffled)...Dubai on (long pause) Emirates(implied question mark) at ..errrr.....35000 feet... " and so on. My question is, what the f**k is the pilot smoking if he has to struggle to remember the port of call? But Dragana swings by again with that million dollar smile - and what a dazzler that is, 97% teeth and 3% miscellaneous facial features - accompanied, this time, by some kind of Irish whiskey and I revert to the double vision problem.

If you've guessed that I am worried about the state of international air travel, you wouldn't be far off the mark. But if you're speculating that I might have had more of the said whiskey in the said airport, you would be fairly accurate.

Ciao, and be in touch.