Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Not about Reverse Transcriptase

I am accused of writing only about my family and the old better half has threatened to rearrange my facial features if I don't find something else to write about, or find something nice to write about her.

Well, I guess I do tend to dwell on that topic but that's only because I'm such a peanut-brain. I hardly know anything about anything else. I mean, can you imagine me writing about, say, the role of reverse transcriptase in virus reproduction?

I just looked up Wikipedia on this, which is lucky because otherwise what you would have got on virus reproduction would be a blow-by-blow account of how the boy virus takes the girl virus out to a movie, how they fall in love, how papa virus sends a lot of goon viruses to fix the boy virus, how the boy virus bashes up all of them, how the girl virus and the boy virus get married, how they get a lot of baby viruses and which is why Pamela's got herpes simplex.

So I decided to see how many words I could type without referring to the activities of the loved ones. I know, this begs the question, why write at all, but its either that or watch television.

Now television is something I deeply dread. There is always lurking in every channel a character played with hysterical intensity by a fat young lady who portrays a 60 year old. Her name is Smriti Irani. She has two facial expressions - gritting her teeth and crying. Usually, she does both. Free dental insurance is written into her contract so that she doesn't withhold herself from really launching into the role.

Which is why I think writing is better. For me at least, if not you, my dear hapless reader. I know why you're reading this. Not because you like it. It is because of a morbid curiosity that is genetically programmed into humans. It is why we peep into open septic tanks or order the bright green colored gravy in Shetty restaurants. Can't resist it.

I still haven't said anything specific, have I? Well, I am an MBA by training and I can continue for ever in this vein. You should attend some corporate meetings, just for laughs. They can go on stating and re-stating the obvious in ever increasing circularity and specialize in what is known as creative inaction.

So here's my topic for today, corporate etiquette. Fill out this questionnaire and evaluate your Corporate Etiquette Quotient (CEQ)

1. You are sitting next to your CEO in an important meeting. He farts audibly. You
  • a. Laugh loudly, pointing at him
  • b. Pretend nothing happened
  • c. Behave as if it was you who farted and apologize aloud.
2. In the same meeting, the CEO proposes an idea which is the complete opposite of what you were just about to suggest, and which in your opinion is the shittiest thing you've ever heard. You
  • a. Pretend to sniff the CEO's mouth and ask loudly if he's drunk.
  • b. Sit tight and say nothing
  • c. Tear up your papers quietly and applaud the CEO's idea vociferously
3. Still in the same meeting, the CEO promotes a complete ass over your head and makes him your boss. You
  • a. Attempt to stab the CEO with the staple opener
  • b. Sit tight and say nothing, while surreptitiously wiping away a tear
  • c. Shake the CEO's hand and compliment him on being such an excellent judge of people.

If you've answered all a's, proceed straight to the employment exchange. You couldn't hold a job at a morgue - the corpses would reject you.

If you've answered all b's you're a sure candidate for hypertension, supressing all those emotions. But you'll get you're gold retirement watch, you will, provided you don't die of an infarct.

If you've answered all c's, Welcome to the Corporate World! In CEQ terms, you're Einstein, baby! Would you like your million dollar bonus in Indian currency or should we quietly deposit it in a Swiss Bank account?

6 comments:

Lakshmi Bharadwaj said...

Something very funny happened. I just saw two photos on your blog named 'the desendents' and the next instant they were gone!

narendra shenoy said...

They're still there, Lakshmi. For a moment I thought the descendants had logged on an erased them.

I have a long standing joke with them about them being counter Darwinist - proof that apes can descend from man. I was planning to add a mug shot of mine and use that as a caption. I still am. But when I announced my intentions at home, things were hotly contested. The younger one, Gautham, has threatened to delete my blog. For all I know, he might just be able to do it....

Lakshmi Bharadwaj said...

A fun loving father eh? My! You are different...not everyone can brave to do something like that! Usually fathers are proud creatures going 'My son got first rank!' 'My son is a genius!' always managing to hide the bad parts. And I must say, even if you were to prove apes did descend from man, it would mean that there was a bit of of ape in you too--for sons to be completely primapes. So that would mean you could be 'semi-ape' to give rise to apes which is really worse than completley monkyish. I think Gautam will have a laugh on that one!

Lakshmi Bharadwaj said...

And I don;t know if it is just me, but photographs tend to decive me. for example, I thought you were thirty too. Both of 'the desencdents' look like sweet little creatures..can they really boss you around?

Cleaning Service Oklahoma City said...

Not too sure what to make of this one.

house cleaning fort worth said...

scratching my head on this one...???