Thursday, November 22, 2007

Mom, can I be a nail polish designer?

As I struggle through life cursing the economy for making me work, I often day dream about being an oil sheikh or one of those technology geeks who get paid 400 million for starting webmail companies.

Idle dreams, of course. I could never be an oil sheikh. I haven't the foggiest idea how to wear a bed sheet with a rubber band around my head to keep it in place, and continue to be taken seriously by society.

And webmail company founder is totally out because there are more webmail companies out there than grocery stores. Missed the bus, I think.

But now I have decided on what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a nail polish designer.

I'm not kidding, this breed exists. Indeed it is thriving. I used to think designer perfumes were bad enough but nail polish? I can almost imagine the designer, rushing off to work in the morning after a quick breakfast and the customary peck on the cheek for wife and kids, negotiating the rush hour, finding a parking slot and getting into office and doing......what? What does one have to do to design nail polish? Have meetings, using Excel spread sheets and powerpoint presentations? Sit with pots of color and keep mixing batches?

My wife is not amused by this cynicism. You are a boor and a brute, she tells me, for casting aspersions on Manish Malhotra's enormous contribution to the vast and challenging science of nail polish design. She is right about the "boor and brute" bit. I have the artistic inclination of a raccoon. And actually, I am lucky she buys his nail polish and not his clothes, which generally cost as much as a a space rocket launch, even though they look like a bunch of fabric rolled in haste.

But nail polish designer is what I shall be when I grow up, though I shall have to study deeply the exalted subject of air kissing which is when you kiss somebody touching cheeks and making loud duck smack noises to mimic an actual kiss. This is to convey the delicate social message that I am a very nice person and I don't mind actually inhabiting the same geographical location as a low life like you but I wouldn't dream of actually kissing you because you're probably diseased but hey what will people think so here's an air kiss. That is a level of sophistication that will take years of practice for me to reach so until then, Monisha Jaisingh, Manish Malhotra, you guys are safe. Carry on. Design your little nail polishes. And get ready for competition.

11 comments:

Lakshmi Bharadwaj said...

Drop around my college, and the only thing you'll hear among girls is the 'nail-polish' talk. They grow it like maniacs--look more like claws to me. School had taught me that growing nails was the sign of supreme uncleaniness, and somehow, the thought has got ingrained in my head, so I never try nail-growing. But it's true that it's a subject by itself. OR it figures so--I mean, they discuss it for two hours, so there needs to be a subject matter. They tease one girl as 'Cheetah claws' she has the longest nails in class, and when she taps it on the desk, they really do look threatening. You should'nt mess with her--if she throws those claws at you, you're really doomed.

Bhel Puri & Seekh Kabab said...

LOL, in addition to throwing air kisses, you will also need to dye your hair blond. But hey, that's easy in that new job of yours - all you need is to use one of those pots of color and use it on your hair instead of nails ;-)

BPSK

krupa said...

In addition to air kissing and coloring your hair blond you also will have to wear fuschia pink chiffon shirts!;)

narendra shenoy said...

Lakshmi - I find claws scary too, especially when they're attached to the missus, who uses them as a sort of nuclear deterrent.

BPSK - I have been lobbying hard for permission to color my hair blond. I know - KNOW - that it's going to make me more sexy. For some reason, Sheela finds that ridiculous and I am currently unblond on the pain of divorce.

Krupa - I need to get a garment like the one you mention. Essential tool in the armory of nail polish designers. I probably need to work on a suitable pout which, used in conjunction with batting eyelids, would be DAHLING!

Maddy said...

have you gone near one of those nail polish places? It is managed by Chinese/pilipino girls in the US and reeks of acetone. they keep the doors open and the painters wear masks. not the painted!!I am sure you will hear of acetone poisoning soon becoming the popular malady, after lead paint from toys. BTW mean feel drunk and women have behavious changes - or so it appears...

I think it was wise of your missus to ban you from blonding yore hair.How did u get the idea? did you breath acetone? Dont go to near colaba with bleached hair!!

narendra shenoy said...

Hey Maddy, I need your support on the hair bleach, when it comes to vote. The other way of looking striking is to get a slim body, but that involves exertions of an intensity that I am culturally incapable of.

And you seem to have a suspicious amount of knowledge of Mumbai. How do you know of Colaba? Confess!

Maddy said...

aha - lived in amchi mumbai for 4 years and worked in nariman point..taking the VT mulund train daily...colaba was a nice place to be in - eating pav omlete in irani cafes or murg musallam at the delhi durbar..seeing the odd movie at regal & shopping at sahakari bandar, i purchased my phirst digital watch from the customs outlet there!!

Bikerdude said...

If you want to be really high society, then you must practice the evolved form of the air kiss : The Lean.

Step up close to your fellow socialite and lean forward, once towards their right and once towards their left, without breaking the conversation.

Prevents accidental inhaling of earrings, concealer etc while air kissing.

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