Thursday, October 9, 2008

Kidnapped and forced to watch Kidnap

(Fade in )

It started innocently enough.

The boys wanted to eat Chinese at Inorbit mall.

The missus wanted a footlong Sub, which, and this is beside the point - I am not admitting or denying anything - which always makes me wonder if she is trying to tell me SOMETHING, if you know what I mean. Ouch! Said more than I intended to. Forget it was ever spoken.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Well, I was unanimously elected as chauffeur and chief cashier, roles that I am not unaccustomed to.

We marched therein in a file formation and before I knew what was happening, the file formation headed towards the multiplex.

I have a sixth sense about these things. Don't ask me how, I just KNEW. They were dragging me to a movie again.

I instinctively turned and fled but the pack was on to me in a flash. Bringing me down in a football tackle, they sat on my chest and strapped me into the strait jacket.

My wrists securely manacled and a leash put around my neck, they dragged me to screen 1.

(Fade out)

How do you like that? Some scenario, huh? They all say, from Scorsese to Spielberg, that the best scripts are the true stories. This one, to tell you the truth, happened. I am just back from a screening of the movie "Kidnap". I survived.

To give credit where it is due, I must acknowledge that the script had some kind of story line. Most unusual for a Hindi movie, but there you are. And a fairly interesting one, at that. But the director, a charlie who rejoices in the name of Gadhvi (Gaadhav is donkey in Marathi. Gaadhvi is an affectionate term for a female donkey) fixed that.

Few of us have the good fortune to be what our surnames say. For instance, I know a guy named Thakur who, far from oppressing village belles and twirling handlebar mustaches, writes code in C++ and stands 4 feet 10 in his socks. His idea of oppressing village belles, if at all such temerity should seize him, would be to steal a chocolate from them and hide. Which is neither here nor there. Get to the point buster. Right.

As I was saying, Mr.Gadhvi is singular in this respect, that he is everything his surname says. He is more like a donkey than most donkeys, including Karan Johar, and offers ample evidence in his dexterous directorial skills. I am not Francis Ford Coppola (though most people wouldn't guess), but I couldn't have done a worse job if I was a typewriter mechanic and the movie a Cray supercomputer.

In the murder of the script, he is ably assisted by Minisha Lamba who plays a girl of eighteen but has all the youthful look of a prematurely aged Cher, and Vidya Malwade, who plays her mother (but looks way hotter than her) with the histrionics that would normally be reserved for "Hamlet". Sanjay Dutt is impressive as usual. I find his personality awesome. But he couldn't act to save a dying grandmother, one of the immutable laws of nature, the others being Newton's three.

The only dude who slipped through the rigorous scrutiny of Mr. Gadhvi and gang is Imran Khan. This guy can act, and act well. He carries the script almost single handedly though Gadhvi introduces bloopers with admirable regularity.

On the whole, I think I enjoyed the movie, for the story as much as the reaction of my sons.

"Dad, that Vidya Malwade really reminds us of mom"

Sheela, blushing "Really?"

"Yes, Amma. When she is yelling at Minissha Lamba for wanting to stay out late, she has that look you have when you tell us we can't play X-box"

Dagger looks.

Post script - A much better review than mine can be found here. I give a little extract below

"Sanjay Gadhvi not count as much logic as appropriate. He shows a captive market, Minissha Lamba fashionably dressed in comfortable clothes so thin that they would be distracting and moody kidnapped again and again. And in the audience, you are completely empathize with the boy. Throughout his captivity, Minissha's character is firmly focused on his dresses, there are those cleavage-flaunting coats or hot pants with shimmering belly chains to bootable".


Prats said...

**Fade in**

If I have to watch the movie...should I go in for the subs before or after???? or should I just blindfold my older one is very keen on watching...whats in there to really juggle his holiday lazy nerves I wonder????

Back to being 'Ok' said...

After this review I am definitely going to see the movie. At least the scenes with Minisha-whatever in them.

And from now on include a default "v v v funny" in my comments

Vivek said...

Napped through Kidnap?
chauffeur and chief cashier?
I think those are not roles you get to vote for. Its a given.

When I saw the movie, I failed to notice a difference between the kidnappers and a husband. I though the climax was he was her husband or something from the way he treated her.
The guy just cant act like BAD ASS. :-(

I would go with 'Back to being OK' on this - v v v funny!

maxdavinci said...

remm the scene where he says, 'Hell is here raina'.
That was so very true! It indeed was hell in the cinema hall!

again when he says 'mujhe revenge chahiye', seems like he was buying kandha batata at a market.
The inner me was yelling, 'dus rupiya kilo'

Arun Sundar said...

You should take your family to a few tamil movies I suggest you. You'd never be dragged to any movies by your family in atleast a decade then :)

Anonymous said...

Poor you! The kind of things they're making you see! I second max here!

@ max: dene ka daam bolo bhai! saat mein de do.

Pitu said...

Ooo I an so glad I didn't watch this film, although I am surprised that Imraan has acted well. I say this because I was afraid Sanju baba's phenomenal acting and personality would gobble him up. Also, Vidya as Minisha's mom seems a bit far-fetched.

astralwicks said...

one of the worst films ever EVER made. i had gone with my friends expecting a B campy film that will be so bad that it will be good. it couldn't even qualify the 1st stage. lesson - don't patronize films whose promos, director and actors elicit a mild form of contempt and derision. Lamba said in an interview that she spent 8 months, yes 8 full months - exercising, getting in shape to fit into that bikini! and what about your horrible acting baby? and Imran - yeah he acted. and failed. the under-construction building stunt that everybody is raving about - one of the worst displays of using body doubles - the 70's guys were better. Dutt is bored. period. Imran has talent, but people like Lamba should be sent away. They impact the mind - like Sarah Palin.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

ah i just saw that other flick of his. hes gone from chickna to goonda eh? hmmmm.

Pooja said...


Reminds me of the time when I was tricked into seeing Mohabbatein. By the time AB said 'Parampara, Anushaasan...yada, yada' for the 38th time, I was ready to expire.
Plus, the sappy, oversweet romance(s) didn't help any.

Maddy said...

i have given it a skip - but then i saw the big hit singh is king in 30 minutes FFWD button helping me..
that was a pathetic bit of work..

deepak said...

Just returning from the movie right now. You will be hearing from my lawyers on this subject.

The movie did remind me a bit of my root canal treatment. The anesthesia removed the pain but the drilling gave a dull ache lasting about 3 hours coincidentally the length of the movie.

I do take strong exception to your statement that Sanjay Dutt cannot act. That implies that others could and were acting. I did not see evidence of that - could it be those sections where I was dozing ?

Clearly the author, director et al had been fed with a liberal dose of Alfred Hitchcock and Enid Blytons but I think both the late Mr. H and late Mrs B would have drawn the line at such convoluted plots.

Anyone figured out why Kabir did not follow the conventional methods of kidnapping such as grabbing Sonia from the car instead of going through the rigmarole of doing some deep sea diving and getting some water proof chloroform? You think my suspicion that this was done with the intent of giving her a chance to prance around and attract the ahem attention of a certain demographical section of the audience is correct? Sound idea in the absence of a plot.

Bad form I know, to write such a long comment but then as would be obvious the movie (which I saw soley based on your review) has had a very deep impact on me.


narendra shenoy said...

@prats - popular consensus is "during" :)

@ok - Thanks! Minisha Lamba used to be a dumpy female. Also VERY short. How she transformed herself into a kind of Kate Moss is a mystery to me.

@vivek - Thanks! Chauffeur and Chief Cashier are my constitutional appoinntments.

@max- Hahahaha! LOL at "dus rupiya kilo"! I was at a party last night and slaying them with that line. (Confession - passed it off as my own)

@arun - :) I need to try that!

@stitha - Thank you for your kind sympathies! :)

narendra shenoy said...

@pitu - Lucky escape

@astralwicks - Agree, though IMHO "Garam Masala" is probably the worst film ever made.

@cynic - Seems he has :)

@pooja - Yes, I saw Mohabattein too. This one is not that bad, but close

@maddy- I watched sing is king in a movie hall - no FFWD button. Ouch. It was BAAAD

@deepak - Hahaha! If the matter goes to court, I don't think I have a chance. No jury would acquit me. I'd be willing for an out of court settlement. One of the following, perhaps

1. I organize the capture of the director and a large whip for you to do the needful, entirely at my cost and risk.

2. We commission a team of bright young artists to paint mustaches on Minissha Lamba's face in all the posters of this movie in India

Idling in Top Gear said...

I think I'm not the only one that thinks Minissha Lamba should've been the mom! BTW, who gets engaged at 18 and who in India wouldn't recognize the world's richest man! And why would a guy worth $50B know or worry about someone stealing $20M from him! It's been a while since I saw a really bad movie to where I thought B'wood was making only good movies these days! Oh well.

memsaab said...

Was the review you linked to written by Google Translate? ;)

I guess I'll wait for the $5.99 DVD. Or longer.

Vikas said...

"sub"liminal message from your wife??? You seriously crack me up...

Santosh said...

Imran Khan? The director is a donkey indeed. He should have kept the title as Kid Nap or Kid Nappy :)

Great post.

Anonymous said...

Looked at the stone and iPhone comparison picture and couldn't help but laugh out loud. Awesome it is !

vanilla vats said...

doubtful. do you like it or not?

Ram said...

Mate, I moved. Like the underworld I need to keep moving cauze of the cops. Heres the new link

Sandy said...

I just luckily happened to come across your blog... Man, you are really really very funny! :)
I just couldn't stop going through your previous blogs.. very hilarious. Keep it up!


Anonymous said...

Hilarious as always, Naren!

AlwaysHappyKya said...

No update for sometime now.

Hellooo...? * Echo *

By any chance got kidnapped again by real thugs this time? ;-)

Anonymous said...

oh oh :D

Happy halloween Naren :-)