Trouble in the Spiritual World

I wrote this, then deleted it, then some really sweet people said hey, post it all the same, we could use some laughs, though I muchly suspect the laughing will be more at the fact that I am displaying senility than any joke that might have inadvertently crept in. But what the hell...


I dont usually have existential doubts, but my good friend Sri Sri Fullananda and I were contemplating difficult cosmic questions recently over a spiritual bottle of Soma. Like me, Fullananda is also a deep thinker. That made two deep thinkers at that table.

We've done this kind of thing before, you know, this contemplation stuff. We like nothing better than a good delving into the cosmic. But that evening, I have to say this, even the usually satisfying topic of Oneness with the Supreme left us cold.

Soemthing seemed to be troubling Fullananda. I could see that he sipped his Soma listlessly.

"Not happening", said Sri Sri. The Sri Sri, for all his Sri Sri-ness employs the argot of the scatterbrain youth, a fact that I don't really approve of, but with Sri Sris, you have to bear with this sort of thing.

"Not happening? This Soma?" I enquired

"No, the Soma is great. Jolly miraculous, come to think of it, that the essence of spirituality should be so well captured by the Scots, of all people! Evidence that He pervades all humanity. No, I was referring to all this 'Oneness with the Supreme' business"

I was puzzled.

"What kind of defeatist talk is this, old chap?" I asked him, with the merest hint of alarm in my voice, for I knew him to be of the finest mettle when it came to mystical philosophy. The bearer of two Sris. One of the best speakers on heavy metaphysics. His discourse on 'The Lifting Of The Gossamer Veil of Consciousness To Get A Glimpse Of All Encompassing Reality' still makes my hair stand on end. (No, I can't tell you how it all came out in the end. Listen to it yourself!) "Oneness with the Supreme not happening? You're speaking through your hat, my dear fellow". Some might have thought my tone a tad sharp but you'd have to agree that it was deserved.

"You know, old chap," he said, gazing absently into the soma, "you and I are of a mien different from the rest. We Know All. But I fear things are not all hunky dory with our brethren"

"You mean our fellow philosophers?" I asked


"Yes. And in particular, I mean the practising Swamis. The Babas. The Sris. Even the Sri Sris. "

"What about them?"

"Well, the way they stumble about in the real world, unsuspecting and innocent"

The penny dropped. "You mean old Nithyananda being caught on camera?" Tragic. One of one of our best chaps. Just happened to be practising some oneness with a female disciple at an inconvenient moment. You won't believe how they hounded the poor man.

"There's nothing wrong with getting a bit of oneness going with one's female devotees, if the said devotees aren't against such oneness" he continued "the supraconsciousness being what it is and all, but the real world takes such a dim view of all this. That poor fellow is going to be pilloried now. And worse, it is the thin end of the wedge"

"I know what you mean. All of us will be suspect. Whenever they see us going into trances with female devotees in attendance, they will say we are yielding to base carnal desires. "

Fullananda giggled. "Actually, I kind of like those base carnal desires", he said, as if to himself, but quickly recovered. "No!" he said "No! We must lie low. We must go into seclusion. Alone. Without female devotees."

"Without female devotees?" I was puzzled. "How will we acheive communion with the inner being of the supreme self?"

"Oh do not worry about such things," said Fullananda. "Have faith in the eternal. Our Hand will be guided."

"And by the by", I askedFullananda, "what is your view on doctors?"

"Doctors? Sound chaps! Very sound."

"But don't they rubbish our faith-healing methods?"

"Some might, he said, "but deep inside they're on our side."

"How is that?" I asked, mystified.

"Well many doctors have told me that they desire nothing more than the demise of non-believers."

This was news to me. "Really? I've never heard anyone of my acquaintance say so"

"Oh come, come, old salt. Dont you know the battle cry of good doctors?"

"What?"

"Its 'Die, Agnostics!'"

No, I didn't have the heart to tell him.