Sunday, July 11, 2010

About Witty schools and other random stuff

It is not often that I notice things when I'm driving. The chaotic Brownian motion type traffic in Mumbai rather discourages one from letting the mind drift. But when you see something like the name in the picture above - Witty International School - the old bean goes into float.

How witty would these kids have to be? What kind of nursery classes would they have? Can't resist imagining a scenario.

Teacher: Ok, test for today. Pay attention, children. Ramu, stop picking your nose and smearing snot on Dipu's shirt. Right. Here's the assignment. "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water." Come up with something witty to finish the rhyme.

Ramu: "God knows what they did up there. They came back with a daughter"

Teacher: That is like seven centuries old. Come up with something original or I'll give you an 'F'.

Ramu: er... "Hope you're on the pill, said Jack to Jill, you're looking way, way, hotter"

Teacher: Gosh! Who told you all this! You're supposed to be a nursery student. Boys and girls, please, no innuendo, sex, vulgarity, obscenity. And the meter is all off anyway. Ok, one more try

Ramu: "They grabbed some land and settled down there. They're classified now as 'squatters'"

Teacher: Oh, I suppose that'll have to do. Original but ho-hum. You get a 'B'. Ok, Dipu, you next.

And so the class would wear on. I'm sure the parents would have their work cut out with a witty kid or two in the house. "have you had your bath?" mom would ask. "Why, whose bath should I have?" the child would retort.

All this was happening when I was driving younger son to school.

"Why are you giggling, Annie?" he asked, with concern, because one of his prime worries, one he shares with his mother and elder brother, is that one of these days, I will go around the bend. They don't get the subtlety of my thought processes, apparently.

I told him what I was thinking. How quaint it would be to have a school which taught just one thing - wittiness. And the Jack and Jill thing.

His brow furrowed, as I had suspected.

"Annie, that is so not witty"

'What's not witty"

"That squatters thing. First of all, water and squatters don't rhyme"

"Ok then YOU come up with something better" I told the upstart.

"How about 'Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill turned round and ran away But jack chased hard and caught her'"

"That's supposed to be witty?" I was indignant. People who reprimand other people for not being witty should be demonstrably wittier, no?

"Atleast it rhymes.  I'll tell you something witty. See those guys on the scaffolding? There, on the building to your right"

He was pointing out to a building getting repainted.

"Vyaas was saying that those guys must be sinners, because they are re-painting".

I confess I didn't get it straight off the bat, but when I did, I had to concede that it WAS wittier than anything I had come up with. Anyway, Gautham had already considered the argument settled in his favor. He adjusted his music for the morn, a scream-fest from some metal band called Lamb of God or something, to jet-engine-decibel levels, discouraging further discussion.

I let it pass. I would have anyway, even without having some faceless punk American teenager with a grouse against society ranting obscenely through my music sustem. Because, for the last few days, I have been mother AND father to the lads, the missus having gone for a few days to Bangalore.

The strain is showing on them.

And on me.

I have to wake up at 6 in the morning and fix them breakfast, a chore I am not designed to do flawlessly. In the last four days, I have burned my finger thrice, broken two cups of sentimental value, made an omelette with zero salt one day, made an omelette with twice the normal salt the other and dropped the lad late to school every single time.

I'm missing the missus terribly. I keep telling her so over the phone. Stuff like "I miss your touch. Your cheerful smile. Your twinkling eyes." You know the drill. But the missus is worldly-wise and since gets the jolly status reports every day from the lads, I suspect she doesn't believe my earnestness. I can almost see her smirking, actually. She's coming back this evening and I'm betting she will be at her jolliest and wittiest. Many jokes will be cracked at my expense.

But I won't have to fix breakfast. As far as I'm concerned, that puts the thing firmly on the right side of the balance sheet.

31 comments:

Spaz Kumari said...

YAY! BLOG! WOOHOO!

now i'll go back and read the post. :)

narendra shenoy said...

@Spaz You are the best ego-booster in da world! Thanks muchly!

Aquatic Static said...

I LOVE YOUR BLOG. I apologize, that needed caps. BUT I LOVE YOUR BLOG.

Bea Walker said...

Welcome back oh subtle but lately-missing one! I was sure we lost you to the perils of Paris :)

word - don't send the progeny to any Witty school - international or domestic(is there a domestic one btw?)....they are there already hehe....

And keep up with the compliments - every missus likes to be admired for her beauty and breakfast (smirk)

And now that breakfast is a lock - maybe we will hear more from you? (hint, hint)

Roflindian said...

They lost their dough when the Dow came down
And now they beg and barter :(

great stuff

karadi said...

"Vyaas was saying that those guys must be sinners, because they are re-painting".---------soooper

Anonymous said...

welcome back mr. shenoy!
that was a gooood post.

- sid

narendra shenoy said...

@Aquatic Static - Thanks very much! That's a lovely thing to read on a monday morning :)

narendra shenoy said...

@bea walker -LOL! Actually I have been on the recieving end of a considerable amount of sharp reprimand in re the matter of spendng too much time on the computer and not enough with the kids, but yes, now that breakfast is no longer an issue, I'm going to be just soaking in the net.

@Roflindian - Thanks! And lol @ the rhyme! Gautham might remark that 'water' and 'barter' don't rhyme that good, but it's seriously witty. We should start some kind of a series. :)

@karadi - Thanks! I thought that was jolly droll as well, though it took me a while to get it :)

Mariya said...

The world is still an insane place :)

Maheep said...

You are not as witty as you are usually but understandable as missus is not here and with all that extra duties of master chef :)

Not Specified said...

Welcome back!!

So its difficult being a FOTHER!!
(FOTHER = FATHER + MOTHER...my 2 cents to the Witty banter)

But ur's are way better :)

parthicle said...

Whenever I hear the rhyme, I always wonder why they dug the well on top of a hill!

Abhishek Modgil said...

What's the matter with the title 'International' being taken by most of the schools now a days?

Giribala said...

Ok, I got the re-painting joke. I'm getting better! Here's my verson of Jack and Jill:
Let’s both of us go up the hill,
To fetch a pale of water.
On second thoughts,
Why don’t you go alone,
While I visit the beauty parlor?

Alekh Khanna said...

Brilliant !!

Susan said...

Randomly came across your blog...and I love it! On a stuffy hot work day, it's such a relief to have blogs such as yours to read! Only I wish you blogged more often :)

narendra shenoy said...

@mariya - Hehe, true!

@maheep - You bet! Chef duties are not to be undertaken without concentration

@Not Specified - LOL! Fother is a good description of what I am :)

@parthicle - That could so be a b-school discussion topic! LOL

@Abhishek - Come to think of it, very valid point. WTF is 'international' about these schools, I wonder!

narendra shenoy said...

@Giribala - Hahaha! Well said. Missus would have said EXACTLY same thing :D

@Alekh - Thanks!

@susan - Thanks so much! I'll try and blog oftener :) Cheers

Stupidosaur said...

I had started a spoof of 'Dil ne ye kaha hai dil se..'

Jack ne yeh kaha hai Jill se...
Pail laana hai hill ke well se..

Chethana said...

'oh thank God you're back'. (Much the same sentiment your kids will undergo when their mom is back.)

alwayshappykya said...

Know what? Me thinks that your super-witty genes in combination with your Mrs genes just exponentially built up the wittiness factor ..and thus was born your son(s)! :D

BTW, Laughed really hard on the Jack and Jill stories ( especially the first one).Thanks! :)

narendra shenoy said...

@Stupidosaur - LOL!

@Chethana - Thanks! The kids usually have mixed feelings about their mom returning from furlough, because while it does mean edible food, it also means a big full stop to all chill activities such as gaming and eating dinner watching tv.

@alwayshappykya - Thanks!You're really very kind! I'll be going around the rest of the day with my chest puffed up!

Maria Mcclain said...

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Saumya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nourishncherish said...

Ahh...back with a bang Mr.Shenoy.

Lame motto for witty school
Witty school.Wittier Pupils. Wittiest Teachers.

- Saumya

le embrouille blogueur said...

Welcome back Naren. Your absence was badly received to say the least. Dont know if anyone told you this ... You are doing a terrific job. At being a dad. I am sure Mrs. S did not have internet connection in B'lore and would not have had the time to read about the part where you talk about the sweet nothings. Witty indeed.

RukmaniRam said...

The right side? Or the correct side?

PS: Whattenintelligentpost sirji!

bhel said...

“Jack”, Jill said
“Really sucks in bed!”
“But don’t think me a martyr”

“My langoti pal Liz
Really likes to kiss
And make out with her after"

saranya said...

Brilliant! :P

Sharatchandra Bhargav said...

Aah, after a long long time, the parched blogosphere is sprinkled with some rain. Welcome back. I feared that we had lost you permanently to the charms of Paris. The only thing sustaining me during your absence is Bengalooru Banter's latest blog. Welcome back Naren. :)