Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Anna Hazare situation

Ordinarily, political imbroglios (sorry, but I've always wanted to use that word since I was so high and read it in a Readers Digest Word Power column. I don't really know what it means but it sounds kind of right and you probably dont know it either so we should be alright there) don't upset the harmony of our little home. I refer of course to the Great Lokpal Bill Drama, currently being aired on all channels except, bless their hearts, FTV.

We rarely have political discussions at home. The missus is more a bollywood person. And the boys are into cars and an obnoxious series on TV called MTV Roadies, which, as far as i can see, comprises solely of people abusing other people. But this Anna Hazare business is in our face so much of the time, it is impossible to ignore it.

The missus and I have views on the opposite ends of the spectrum. The missus is strongly for the Lokpal Bill Anna Hazare Version which, as far as I can see, involves spotting the corrupt, asking a select committee if they agree that the spotted person is indeed corrupt and, if they say he (or she) is, horsewhip him (or her).

Here's a sample scenario:

Investigating Officer: "Chairman, sir, respected members of the Lokpal and my dear friends, I have here a senior officer of the government who is corrupt"

Lokpal Chairman: "You don't say! Are you sure?"

Investigating Officer: "I am. You can bet your non corrupt ass on it"

Lokpal Chairman:  "And has he made lots of money?"

Investigating Officer:  "Crores, I tell you, crores!"

Lokpal Chairman:  "Say, Investigating Officer, has he salted it away in Swiss Bank accounts, do you think?"

Investigating Officer:  "Once again, you can bet your non corrupt ass on it, because you won the last bet!"

The Bloke under Investigation:  "I say, here, please, listen to me, it's nothing like that. Just a bunch of fabricated lies.."

Lokpal Chairman:  "Silence! You are corrupt! You do NOT have the permission to speak or say anything in your defence.  So, Investigating Officer, what do you say we do with this low-life?"

And so on.

I've oversimplified it of course, but the entire thing will firmly be in the Haroon Al Rashid territory. You know the chap. The caliph who was wise and summarily executed the wicked. I may be thinking of a couple of other chaps of course, in which case, please forgive me, but what I meant was that there doesn't seem to be much by way of legal process. What if the said select committe, god forbid, isn't as wise as Haroon al Rashid at all times?

As it turned out, the missus was incensed this afternoon, possibly for a different reason.  Actually, I think the reason she was incensed might be the fact that I had, unbeknownst to her,  a couple of beers at lunch (we had a visitor at work, what to do) and then drove home. I am strictly not allowed to drive if I've had a drink.

"Answer the following question in one word only" she said to me

It did not augur well.

"Yes?"

"Did you have beer at lunch?"

How do women find these things out?

"Answer me. Yes or no?"

"Er, yes"

"Are you out of your mind?"

This one was easier.

"Er, no"

"You drove. You know what a big no-no that is"

"It was just one pint" I protested meekly.

"They've arrested Anna Hazare"

This was unusual.

"He was drunk driving?"

"No, you idiot. Don't you watch news or get any information on your silly twitter feed? The government has arrested him because he wants to fast unto death. That's attempt to commit suicide. Punishable offense"

"Wow. The stuff must have hit the fan. What are they going to do now? The protesters, I mean?"

"They're planning to have a protest march."

"Where?"

"All over the place. There's one planned here, near Inorbit Mall"

"Protest march! What next?"

"I know Annie" piped up the youngster "they will have a protest April"

"Go to your room, Gautham. You have geometry tomorrow!" bellowed the missus and turning to me, added "it's all your fault. You encourage them to crack these pjs and that's all they do all the time. It's driving me nuts"

Anyway, the country's still seems to be holding itself together, despite the best efforts of the chaps in the government whom the missus refers to as "what the Reverend Spooner would call shining wits".

I really wonder what is going to happen. Perhaps a whiskey would help me clarify my thoughts.....

22 comments:

Anna Bond said...

this post is like an ice pack on a burning bottom.

Anonymous said...

Protest April...ROFL..We know which side of the family he has inherited the genes (or should I say jeans) from. Long live Shenoyism.

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Hi. This is for your kids. https://twitter.com/signup

Not Specified said...

shining wits!!

:D

(I've stopped stating the obvious ........... funny post as always)

K Balakumar said...

Love the understated humour, and the feel you have for words.

Sita K. said...

Nice one. Humor may not solveth but lightenth even in tougheth times (as said by the wise Protest August)

mission goa said...

may you be blessed with a hundred visitors (then you have to have beer, what to do!)

Capt. Anup Murthy said...

I read this twice! At your wittiest best! Cheers!

maniac.hunter said...

hilarious dude.completely MANTAL(wanted to use the word too) and yes if your kids are good at cracking pj's refer them to TWITTER :)

Rindo said...

Thank God for Anna Hazare. The harrowing experience of bearing through another lecture on DUI was was thus averted.

Sowmya Srikrishnan said...

You wrote this for 'Protest April' you wicked wicked man!

Anonymous said...

Boss, you are spot on about Anna Hazare. He could be creating more problems than solving - sanjay Gandhi style. How the one child policy is hurting China now, while we once all thought that this was needed to curb population growth.

Remember, the Congress was once totally Gandhian and non-corrupt, fought for India's freedom ... now how many congressmen can you count with those characteristics ....

True, Lokpal might consist of highly upright people now. But what will happen 2 generations down the line ? Will they be as much sincere...

As for independent organisations to check on democracy, we have the judiciary and the Election commission. They just have to do their job. Eg. We didn't know that the Election commission was so powerful until TN Sheshan came on the seen.

So guys, each system if functions efficiently can keep a check on democracy rather than create another system and create a monster for future generations.

Someone, please tell Anna that the way to fight the system is to be in the system, not to create another one.

Anna should get democratically elected and fight the system, not join hands with ruling party. And if he feels he needs money to fight elections, he is as much a sceptic as one of us and so should stop fighting.

Siddharth said...

Naren - Protest April :)
Oh yes, please inform Mr. Anonymous - the second to establish a blog of his own. Such superficial deliberations are out of bounds in comments section of this intense, incisive and imbrogliating blog. :)

tofunoodle said...

Sean,

Ann-'a is like the slender model walking down the ramp trying to get you attention while you are not really looking at her ( er! him ) coz you know the missus will ban dem beers if you dared look, so erase Ann-'a from dem thoughts and focus on hitting the white dimpled ball that gives us so much grief, mocks us, challenges our very existence, and yet we are drawn to it like a moth to a flame, the best part being that after all that abuse from the tormentor or for those who are the masochistic among us, we get to sip on the beer at the 19th hole :-)
So leave the chick, go for the balls and get the beer

-- Kitch ( aka -- tofunoodle )

Raji said...

This is a real gem of a post.. I really burst out laughing (thank heavens I was alone:-)) at the conversation between the Lokpal Chairman and the Investigating officer

Hindu Newspaper said...

Insofar as we can see, we wholly endorse the material presented apropos this article inasmuch as we can see. Hitherto.

Giribala said...

Anna imbroglio is causing strains in my friendships too :-/

tofunoodle said...

Here is another analysis on the whole Ann-a' situation. It's a big conspiracy by the large service provider iwantyourmoney wireless.

Chairman of large service provider at board meeting:

--- We have to increase our
revenues, ( code for I need a new Gulfstream jet )

Oily board member:

--- So what do you have in mind ?

Chairman of large service provider:

-- We have to get people to use more data thus we can charge users more and then we can stash more away in the cayman islands. ( I can fly there in my new Jet to stash it )

Second Oily board member:

--- What do you have in mind ?

Chairman of large service provider:

--- Let's target a country with a huge population ( more users' heh heh!! ) and then pick some old goat to be a scape.. er! i mean a scapegoat ( Chairman's education at the local community college ). We then get him to fast thus getting the people to use more bandwidth talking about him fasting.

Third Oily board member:

---- So how are we going to get this done in china ? ( he too went to a community college )

Chairman of large service provider:

---- Er! good point, i don't speak chinese. How about a country that people kind of speak english ? ( I i hear that if you are caught doing hanky panky in China you are in deep doo doo.


-- At this point the secy goes running to her computer and does a google search with the parameters "most populous english speaking countries"... and the mighty search gods return...."United States".

At this very instant the red phone in the board room rings and the voice on the phone says "it's the chairman of McDonalds" what's this i hear about someone in these "United states" fasting...????
Not good for our business, so pick some other country ( One has to wonder about corporate espionage )

The board then quickly picks the second choice on the google results.."India". ( 10.38% speak english )


Chairman of large service provider:

-- Ah! ha!! now all we have to do is pick someone with an American sounding name.. and after a few minutes of pondering picks Anna ( yup his high school sweetheart was called Anna, she was a blonde ). A few more google searches on "indian name Anna, thin & trouble maker" results in the name "Kisan Baburao Hazare" who the chairman promptly calls "Anna Hazare".

A few calls by his handler to a remote village in India and bam!! a deal is struck, money is transferred ( yes, not to a swiss account, that is so "been there done that", but to a bank in nigeria, and thus starts the qtrs and qtrs of huge profit for this service provider.

All thanks to this ruthless American company.

So dear friends if you have to blame anyone for all this Anna Hazare meyhem, blame your service provider.

And those of us who want to have a cold one, think about the thin fasting Indian and have two cold ones.

-- TofuNoodle ( yes that is the new wikileak )
PS: I have an uncle who has $20Million stuck in a bank in Nigeria and if I could get $20,000 I can get that money out and I can get you a piece of the action :-) :-)

Mai Anna Hoo said...

Summary of All scams of India : Rs. 910603234300000/-
“दर्द होता रहा छटपटाते रहे,
आईने॒से सदा चोट खाते रहे,
वो वतन बेचकर मुस्कुराते रहे
हम वतन के लिए॒सिर कटाते रहे”

brandysoda said...

Shining Wits :) ...long time no Spoonerism...gotta look up some more and reminisce the good old college days! Great post!

Rahul said...

well we are still under teh british rule . just that the colour of skin is bronw instead of white. Targetting team anna members is exactly what I had expected would happen. Our politicians are the worst breed of animals and when good people pick up a fight agains them , this is what happens. The other day on a news channel I heard salman khurshid joking shjamelessy that ' Hum business class hka paisa economy mein travel karke nahin bachhate. yes ofcourse, why would you guys save. Desh ka paisa to sab aap logo ka hi hai. wealth of India is the property of the ancesstors of all our ploiticians . The kind of money that is spent on our polotiticna is equivalent to buying helicpoters . They dont desrve travel by bus and are targetting Kiran bedi who saved money for her foundation by puttign herself to inconvenience. How mny poilticians to this ? If you are really in politics only to serve the country, why do you guys spend crores on travel by air, why do you wnat luxurions houses in South Mumbai , or the elite regions of Delhi, why do you guys spend crores of rupees on renovation of houses of MLA's ministers? for filling up potholes, the quality of material that is used isn not even worth a few hundred rupess and then they shamelessly say - we dont save money like what Kiran bedi did. We indians should now get united and should not lose focus agains these corrupt brown british rulers.

Arun Kumar said...

From day one the Anti Graft Movement ( Lokpal Movement ) has started, the Congress Government has no will to allow it to become a law. Congress will try with all possible means to scrap the bill or will see that it will never be effective and serve it's purpose as it will affects them the most.

There is no doubt about Anna Hazare's good intentions behind his Anti Graft Movements & the overwhelming support he got from the public, but congress will misuse their majority in parliament to ruin the Lokpal Bill & at all the bill will pass, Congress will see that it will never be effective.