Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Miss India rant

(Apologies for incoherent rant but I had to get it out of my system)

If you ever find me wandering about on the streets gesticulating absently and talking to myself, you can tell yourself Naren has lost his mind at last. Unless of course I have got a blue-tooth headset, but that's most unlikely because I have no clue how to bind one with my phone. No, a nervous break-down it will be. And the cause highest on the probability list is a Miss India pageant.

My main grouses?

Grouse no. 1.


The insincerity in the pageant is of the highest standard. It makes Amar Singh look like Abe Lincoln in comparison. (Try imagining Amar Singh giving a Gettysburg address" Four score and seven weeks ago Mulayam singh and I brought forth on this subcontinent a new political equation, conceived in the proposition that elected representatives can be purchased, not just votes.
Now we are engaged in a great election battle, testing whether this proposition can long endure. .........
..... and that this government of the minorities by the minorities and for the minorities, shall not perish in the course of its full term."). I digress, of course. I was talking about insincerity. The presenters R. Madhavan and Malaika Arora tried their best to breathe some life into the proceedings by smiling brightly but as Confucius said "he who talk rot cannot mask it by smiling brightly". He knew a thing or two about pageants, Confucius did.

Grouse No. 2

The contestants were extremely plain.

I'm no Richard Gere myself but these bimbos are supposed to be dishy, in order to make up for their lack of sincerity. Gah!

Grouse No. 3

Stupid questions and no snappy answers.

The judges ask questions like "If you meet God what is the ONE thing you would ask him?" and the bimbos of course say "World Peace" and "One religion" when it is begging for something on the lines of "What is the smallest prime number that can be expressed as the product of two sequential prime numbers" or "Why don't men menstruate?".

Why did I watch it then? Mrs. S. decreed.


sayrem said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IE said...

hey - I protest!

World Peace is the correct answer. I was planning to publish "A guide to smart answers at Beauty Pageant". When I took it to the publisher he said this also qualifies for Guiness Record for the single book to have "World Peace" printed most times.

The Miss India/World/Earth/...have only that much vocab. What can you do abt it? :D

ruSh.Me said...

Judge : "If you meet God what is the ONE thing you would ask him?"

Beauty : Ummm... Thank you for honoring me with this opportunity!! Ladies and gentlemen, and the members of the Jury...

If I meet God, then...

Umm.. Excuse me, But can you repeat the question???

That's my 'World Piece of my mind!!'

Anish said...


10 minutes have passed since finishing this post and I've been laughing all this long.

Ok. That's the point of bluetooth. It doesn't need to be bound to the phone :-P

What would you have asked God question - "The world p(l)eace!" I'm waiting for the day some bimbo answers this. Of course if she answers this, she would no longer be considered a bimbo. :-P


Vivek said...

Why did I watch it? - Mr S only!
These are mostly trained robots.
Trained to say few responses to whatever questions.
Like World peace is an answer to all questions!

Mahesh said...

Smallest prime number that is the product of two sequential prime numbers?

ROFL. Class.

I honestly don't understand the need for questions in a Miss whatever contest. For god's sake, if God intended them to be bright He wouldn't have made them look like potential Miss whatever.

Etc Etc said...

If I meet God, I would tell HER "You created women - that was great. You gave most of them beauty - that was better. You gave a few of them brains - that was fantastic! But when you created a beauty pageant for women with no beauty and brains, you spoiled the entire show. WHY?"

BTW - I loved the post!

Vivek said...

@ Etc

Idling in Top Gear said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Idling in Top Gear said...

"Why did I watch it then? Mrs. S. decreed."

Please Mr. S. We know you watched it to ogle at hot women. What's sad is that they turned out to be not so hot!

The Ms.India contest is a total joke. Matter of fact, I believe the only country that seems to be taking the Ms.Country title seriously is Venezuela, coz damnnn Ms. Venezuela is always a certified hottie! (Of course, it may also be because there are no ugly girls in Vz.)

As for India, our pageant contestants: beautiful = our politicians: patriotic! And still, they manage to pick someone who's not exactly the best of the bunch!

The funniest thing I've read in a long, long time is that 2008 Ms.India-World Parvathy Omanakuttan - who I think looks like a horse even in her retouched pics (she needs some collagen injections for her lips, STAT)- claimed that the Ms World contest was rigged because she didn't win the title! I mean, come on - am I the only one to have ogled at better looking girls at the bus stop!

buddy said...

maybe the moral police, by banning such events is trying to save us from all those bimbos..maybe..

PS: apropos the pic on ur blog..mulliner rocks! esp mordred :D

Partho said...

Why do men watch beauty pageants? Don't be giving us your world peace spiel, Naren, we all know why. You portray yourself a martyr to the wishes of the missus. But I agree with idling here. We understand your angst. Lately, the babes are getting less and less hotter. As for the inanity, that's a constant. When did it deter us from ogling at Ash or Pri Chops?

RukmaniRam said...

ah, the questions god would love to have answered. if only someone had asked...

Pitu said...

lol. What Idling in top gear said :-D

gauri said...

//Grouse No. 2
The contestants were extremely plain.//

You're so used to ogling at the dishes, that dishiness has become plain ;) Take a look at the rest once in a while, else the bar will keep moving higher. (The bar, not the hemlines - those can't go any higher :P)



Anonymous said...

To point out the obvious : It is a "Beauty" contest not a "Brain" contest :)...beauty, being in the eye of the beholder - optional! btw - Mrs. S comes across as supremely secure :), lucky Mr. S :P

Anna Bond said...

Was the bikini round plain as well?? *shudders*

sush said...

2 can be expressed as the product of two sequential prime numbers.


:) :)

Devil Incarnate... said...

Hahaha ..lol..
it was actualy a waste seein it..
:( though even i am one of those watched it without a mistake..

chutneycase said...

Tell us, wise one, why don't men menstruate?

What's In A Name!? said...

Sigh, I agree.. and none of htem is pretty! None with a face one cannot forget..

Even Yukta Mookhey with an octopus looking face had a rememberable(is that a word?) face!

Mahesh said...

Sush -

1 is *not* a prime number :)

DewdropDream said...

Hopped over from Pitu's... and Amrita's... and Anna Bond's :D

These contestants seems to get more and more insipid every year! I swear snappy answers like the ones you suggested would have received better response! And what's with all the 'I thank you for your question, Ladies and Gentlemen, good evening to you...' Arre get to the bloody point will you!

Oh and the outfits get worse too...

Beauty paegants... bah!

no signal said...

Q & A is by far the most interesting part of this whole process of producing a pageant.

The cult classic
World Peace, Poverty, Recession, Global health, Life Expectancy, etc... for this these ladies deserve to head organizations like UN, G-5, UNESCO, UFO.. err.. not this

Pri said...

i cant believe that harshita girl didnt win. she looked the most miss india like. i didnt watch the show though. was she stupid? anyway related post. kindly excuse the pimpage.

Ping said...

The answer is Global warming. hat would the question be?

Answer: What happens to women all over the world when they see Ranbir Kapoor?

Q2. If ignorance is bliss why would you choose knowledge?

A. In that case, I would choose ignorance!

*mad hand gestures mouthing whaaaaattt!*

And I agree, they weren't even pretty, in your words, dishy!


Maddy said...

i saw it in bits & pieces while reading, it was dreadfully boring & the females on the show did not seem to represent any kind of beauty, clad, semiclad or inner.

El Furibundo said...

I totally enjoyed your post. Psst.. here's an idea: we should have a beauty pageant of our netas! Imagine the octagenarians in swimsuits!! Even the questions round will be quite entertaining, I am sure.


Anonymous said...

Ok. Men do not menstruate, but they *might* need to use the occasional sanitary pad.
I had an accident during a naughty escapade, and was then left with no choice but to test the absorbing power of the Whisper Ultra. I hope she never tells a soul about this!! :( :(

K.Ramachandran said...

ROTFL !! As usual, extremely witty, with nice allusions. Reminded me that I havent read MAd for 2 years, and Al Jafee would be a fun way to start.
Seriously, though , I feel that the Miss Universe concept is totally outdated, barbaric, and mcp-ish . We have international competitions and World Cups in sports, as well as science, tech , and literature awards. Those should suffice.

Another Kiran In NYC said...

Bar bar dekho, in this case even a bar would not have helped anyone think this insipid flock were hotties.

First visit to your blog. I like! I like!

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Anjana R said...

agreed. what happened to the witty and pretty Ms.Sushmita Sens?

and i think points are given mostly for height since such tall indian women are rare :P ("shes above 5'6'?-then she has to be in the final 3" :P)

Anonymous said...

It would be an absolute delight to have you as one of the judges and watch the contestants try and answer those questions!..:)


Kavitha said...

Mr.S = Mr.Sheela now and then eh?!

How on earth did you complete this post without killing yourself in all the stomach splitting laughter? :D

SunnyKris said...

"Why don't men menstruate??"

Possible Explanation:

The blood levels of an average healthy male are just about enough to supply his brain or his penis.
Never both simultaneously.

So, there isn't any left for one to successfully menstruate.

Anonymous said...

hey naren
what did u think of the fake ipl player
damn entertaining na?!

Kokonad said...

Great blog, Narendra! Me subscribing and blog rolling you!