Monday, February 1, 2010

About B's, big and otherwise, and other thoughts

Apologies are in order, I think, for being AWOL from the blog. The missus has been a bit of a "first-things-first" nazi, said phrase being one of the 7 habits of highly successful (or rather, saxcsful) people according to a dweeb named Stephen Covey who is the current blighter of my already blighted existence. I have been rearranging my
  • Computer table and the stuff thereon
  • Wardrobe
  • Documents
  • Musculature
  • Finances
  • Blood Alcohol levels
based on Shri Covey's misguided observations, leaving me little or no time to discharge important economic functions like blogging and tweeting.  And here I take the opportunity to publicly inform Shri Covey that should he sashay into our building and stroll below my bedroom window, he should not be surprised to find heavy objects being dropped upon him from the sixteenth floor. I am not saying that I'm going to do it, Stephen, but don't send temptation my way.

Well, life has been going on as usual, the humdrum routine of the big city, livened by the occasional acrimonious discussion in the family. The most recent one was over Amitabh Bachchan, aka the Big B, and his son, who may not be, on the pain of injury, be referred to as "Son of the B" in our house.

I think it was sparked off by what I thought was the incessant infestation of the TV screen by both these worthies. Sometimes jointly, at other times severally, but always, goddamn always, there, and I said words to that effect.

You see, the missus finds the Big B handsome. I don't.

"You men, you are just pot-bellied lumps of jealousy" she observed.

"That's not fair. The B might have screen presence in a hammy, condescending kind of way but even his own parents wouldn't have claimed that he was beautiful"

The missus fell silent at this stage. I thought I had won her over with argument but actually she was fiddling with the toaster. I continued anyway.

"His father, the late Harivanshrai, is reported to have uttered the words "Ugly Putz! Ugly Putz! Ugly Putz!" upon seeing his newborn child before calming down and accepting reality. He subsequently pretended he was working on a poem, ingeniously titled "Agneepath! Agneepath! Agneepath!", but everyone knew the truth. Ask them in Bareili".

"I have never heard such drivel! Amitabh Bachchan is the most dignified, suave and handsome guy, on screen and off. Abhishek is number two. And you, prince of my dreams, are number 5 billion and seventy thousand"

 Well, that was one argument settled anyway.

Ok, find of the week. This Mexican eatery at Oshiwara, near Andheri W, Mumbai. It is called Sammy Sossa and it stocks a wide range of international beer at roughly 200 rupees a pint. Not cheap, perhaps, but then, you got choice, don't you?

I was feeling rich that PM and had, in quick succession, a pint each of Asahi, Hoegaarden, Stella Artois, Leffe and a Belgian beer whose name I've forgotten. Chinmay or something. No wait, Chinmay is a swami's name. This was... no, it's gone.

If I may be permitted a digression - speaking of Chinmay reminded me -` the brood and I went to the Renaissance Hotel in Powai, Mumbai last week. We had to pass by the Chinmaya mission and the elder son, who is normally meek as a dormouse and would make the Dalai Lama sound like a WWE wrestler, piped up.

"Annie, what would you call Chinmaya if he put on weight?"

I gave up, as usual. When I'm driving, I find it best to keep the old bean uncluttered.

"What? You tell me"

Younger one chipped in.

"Simple, Annie. Overweight Chinmaya would be Double Chin Maya, no?"

Overcoming a strong urge to clout both of them on the side of the head, I kept my cool. And I never have the missus' support in these matters anyway. She finds these interludes amusing and interjects with that silvery laugh of hers, which merely fuels these two comedians.

Anyway, coming back to the res, I had all that beer in Chez Sammy Sossa with gay abandon, secure in my knowledge that the missus was present, with driving license in hand.

The missus, very sportingly, I must say, decided not to lecture me on the evils of beer- I think she has given up - and a jolly good time was had by all. The food, if the brood is to be trusted, was excellent, though I have no recollection of having eaten anything at all.

Thus did my week pass. Not overwhelmed with brotherly love for all humanity perhaps but several beers on the right side of the balance sheet.


Idling in Top Gear said...

"Ugly Putz" takes the cake! :D

Sammy Sossa?! Really?! Makes me think somewhere in some far point of the world, an Indian owns a beer shack called "Rahul Dravid." :D

Gradwolf said...

That area from Oshiwara till mega mall has developed like crazy in the last few yrs. I was literally awestruck returning to my neighborhood after about 6 yrs.

Oh Son of B is masterclass!

Siddharth said...

I say this was a post that was quite gentle to its readers.

Generally Master Shenoys work results in muscular pain in jaw and abdominal areas.

Did you see Rann yet? Any comments if you did?

Preeti said...

Son of B! Hahahaha! That's something I can safely use then :D

And I concur. Big B is definitely NOT beautiful. Oh no no no.

And oh please, don't ever vanish from blogging for too long. I couldn't do without my (almost) daily dose of your humour :)

narendra shenoy said...

@idling - LOL @ Rahul Dravid! WTFness only!

@gradwolf - You came to Mumbai and did not give undersigned the opportunity to ply you with beer? Evilness!
Yes, that place has just transformed. It used to be the armpit of Bombay. Now it is the armpit of Bombay, after a good shave and lots of Right Guard.

@Siddharth - No, not seen Rann yet. Knowing the missus, I guess I'm going to be dragged one of these days.

Yes, the boys are settling down into teen-age-ness. Plus, I get the feeling they don't consider me cool anymore. ;(

@Preeti - Thanks! The B is an old nemesis of mine ;)

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Only you can make a normal life in Bombay seem like an 'after-buying-our-insurance-policy'-like dream life.

Hail Shenoy!

Giribala said...

LOL!! You are fortunate enough to be allowed to express your views on film stars!

Whinophile said...

I read it as Sammy Samosa. Had to read it twice before it registered in my mind as Sammy Sossa! :P

Oh, and yes, the who B family's saccharine love for each other is so annoying. Esp the PDA between the Bahu and the Sasur.

Next time I see any of the B family on tv, i might just break the tv. My neighbour's tv, that is. :P

Kavitha said...

Ah! A post finally. You were sorely missed, on your blog and mine :-)

The sons may not think you are cool right now. But they don't realize that they are in fact becoming you. Break this to them, ever so gently :D

The missus does hold a tight rein, eh? Tell her the loyal readers plead for a wee bit more of Shenoy. Some mercy for heaven's sake!

maxdavinci said...

ah stella, wonder uske baap ka naam kya hain!

NotFunnyNotFamous said...

Ugly Putz! Haha! Nicely Putz!

Btw, are we allowed to enjoy posts that are not published on Thursdays? :D

Spaz Kumari said...

i agree. big b was pretty much the ugliest bloke in hindi cinema until he grew all that face fungus to cover his mug up.

so he's decent looking now IN SPITE of his face, not because of it. :)

abhishek bachchan used to be borderline hot, but then he went and grew multiple chins and married That Woman. so i wrote him off.

Pitu said...

...and he's back! Yay! Also haha at Sammy Sosa. And the kids need a standup show each.

Ketan said...

Really, really funny! Especially, "ugly putz". Cheers!

mentalie said...

bah! the big b is the ugliest putz to ever blight our mediascape. did the misus not watch paa? does she not know that it's the only flick for which he took OFF his wig and make up???

Dix said...

I wont consider B's upper part uglier than his lower. Waist to toe that is. Remember him dance, in a song i've forgotten in white kurta and pajama, the kurta just inches below his waist. Length at its best ugliness.

Scattered Thoughts... said...

Thursdays gone and no update... but now we know what are you going through Naren.. cleaning.. organizing.. OMG!! too much.. what else is happening in the Nazi camp BTW :)

BIG B... hahaha.. I get my wifey to read this... she is obsessed with this man.. but then I am afraid she might also read one of the missus's post and get inspired :)

crumbs said...

:D one cannot seem to escape the big B, no matter what one does, these days! and when he is not there, it is the daughter-in-law, with son lurking in the corner. they are everywhere! it's the attack of the Bs!

(yes, I am panicking!)

shoba said...

First time here.. Ugly putz.. really funny.. Had to comment .. :-)

Chethana said...

Nice to read your post Naren, much needed breath of fresh air from all the liquor fumes surrounding me :P One more post that made me smile.

Uma said...

I agree with the missus...what's wrong with you guys' eyes? YOu not only think the big B and sonnie are yuck, you also think the bahu is the prettiest one, huh?

Coconut Chutney said...

I thought i left a comment here!

Double chinmayananda was genius :D And i have to say Mr.S, i concur with the Mrs! Abhishek Bachchan is hot only :D

Ohh and I thought i should let you know, my word verification word is 'kerelite' - i always thought that referred to a 40kg mallu man.

Maddy said...

big trouble brewing up in mumbai man - the amar singas are gonna come after you as the sena-ites go after khan...

Dr. K Bodhi :D said...

Lol @ last line:) Perfect summary of the week. A peek into the typical week of an ordinary man:)

Mariya said...

I've got just two words for you.. Hail You! :D

Arunima said...

hey, came here from coconut chutney and I have been reading your posts from the past one hour.

You are damn good.

niks said...

As always, masterclass :)

Cynic in Wonderland said...

definitely NOT Beautiful. Uglyputz eh? i always thought there was more to it hmmm.

Anonymous said...

hilarious !!

le embrouille blogueur said...

There cannot be any evils in beer dear "putz" !! Havent you figured that out yet ?? Double chin ....wah wah !!

Shilpa said...

Aint it Thursday yet at chez Shenoys?

Juggler said...

Where art thou?! Thursdays are going by unutilized

swathi shenoy said...

its quite dubious that ur working on ur musculature :)))