You know, I'm born to be a journalist. There's something about the profession, laying bare the hidden truth, exposing humanity's dark side, fostering change in society through exposure, that appeals to the human inside me. That is why I have decided to devote this post to the urgent and important topic of "Akshay finds lint in Shilpa's belly button". Of course it can't be done unless one is intrepid or fearless. Hence I have decided to become
Intrepid AND Fearless
Experienced readers might realize that, in the course of researching for my grand exposé, I might not have actually interviewed the worthies featured in this story or, for that matter, ensured any connection with the truth. Well, rest assured that this is standard in the journalism trade. Plus, both Akshay and Shilpa wouldn't give me time of the day anyway. Should that rob the public of a valuable news story? Of course not.
The incident happened during the shooting of the Action/Thriller/Drama/Comedy titled "Bakwaas - The Rubbish". Central to the plot of this movie is a dance number in which Akshay reveals, through artful lyrics, the extent of the villainy of the bad guy. An important step is when Akshay has to play the drums on Shilpa's stomach. And then, he sees the fuzz. At first, because he's getting old and has forgotten to wear his reading glasses, he thinks it's something the waxing person missed. But then he peers at it from arm's length and realizes that IT IS LINT.
Well, you can imagine what a shock Akshay must have had! It put him off the performance of a life-time, tipped until that moment to be India's entry to the Oscars. Feeling weak, he decided to cancel the shooting and take a two month vacation in Australia with his family.
Shilpa, poor thing, had a "Big Brother" moment and burst into tears. "What am I to DO?", she sobbed, inconsolably. Her mother, however, practical as ever, decided to add it to their collection, a large jar by now, and took the pragmatic view that the moment would soon pass and Shilpa would emerge stronger and more beautiful. Especially after the third nose job scheduled for later this month. (Third job, that is, same nose. Just clarifying, in this trade you have to be so careful of libel suits. At this rate, by the way, she's going to be looking like a Roman emperor).
Such, then, are the inner workings of the Bollywood film industry. A moot point at this juncture is why the hell we journalists call it Bollywood. This reporter has been to Yell Yay personally and seen a large sign which says "Hollywood". A similar search of Mumbai revealed no "Bollywood" sign. But that is topic for another deeply researched scoop. And only if the newspaper agrees to send me back to Yell Yay to reconfirm, personally, if the Hollywood sign is still standing.