Saturday, March 1, 2008

Joe Da Akbar

Yea, I saw this movie last night and I must admit I quite enjoyed it. It is a grand opus of some 120 crores of which 110 crores were paid to Hritik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai, 9.99995 crores to the sets, elephants, horses, other actors, the director, spot boys etc and about thirty seven rupees towards the actual plot.

Total eye-candy, Hritik and Aishwarya, the latter being so wooden in some scenes that they could have used a portrait of hers and no one would have known. But through most of the scenes, both the protagonists have done a great job and Hritik has put me personally in a tight spot. He has these rippling muscles which he displays at various times in the movies causing the missus to swoon and ask ME when I'm going to get pecs like that. Three months, I told her bravely, just give me three months, but she laughed sardonically and continued ogling at the said Roshan.

The plot is about 17 minutes long but judicious use of songs and languorous camera work stretch out the movie into a 220 minute opus. The missus kept pointing out the jewellery (its called jadhaav), the clothes (which are the rage with brides and grooms in Mumbai), Hrithik's muscles (I have reason to believe that his pectorals are actually two soup dishes turned upside down and painted over) and the language (more about this)

The language in Hindi movies is always difficult for Mumbaikars like me. Our forte is stuff like "Kayko Boam maar rahela hai?" which always freaks out the Delhi types. When people start saying "Tumhare muhabbat mein pareshan.." etc., the Mumbaikar in me starts feeling a little woozy. And Joe Da Akbar has some seriously heavy artillery where it comes to language. There was a song that went on about "chilman" which to the best of my knowledge is a clay pipe which junkies use to smoke cannabis. It behoves not for main stream cinema to contain such allusions. The missus contests my theory, of course, giving some tall claims about "chilman" being a curtain, but when I point out that she is from Mysore, you, the erudite reader, will agree that my knowledge of Urdu is superior.

All the same, the movie is heartily recommended. Akbar is portrayed as a kind and humane monarch who has the deductive logic skills of a beetle, thus getting Joe Da into trouble. But the story writer, who frankly is no Alfred Hitchcock, gets the mess cleaned up without raising anyone's heart rate by even a beat. What I really loved were the sets and the camera work, and of course H. Roshan, who has splendid personality, even when he is wearing clothes. Mrs. Bachhan is ok, but she has several cup sizes to go before she makes my pulse skip. And the music and choreography is wonderful.


Siri said...

ROFL. Funny.
Ash sucks no?

Drenched said...

LOL!! Awesome description. I also sat through the whole jazz and I am thoroughly convinced that my remaining life is enlightened and more meaningful than it ever was before Joe and her Jo.

And Mr. Zill-e-Illahi has a six-pack, man! *eyes widen in delight* I want a time machine malfunction right now!!

//"Kayko Boam maar rahela hai?"//

*The Delhi-type scratches her head and looks beseechingly at the Mumbaikar to widen her linguistic horizons*.

rads said...

hahahaha, very nicely done Sir :)

You've captured it all. Loved the review. I still want to see it. Being quite like your missus, all I care for in such grand movies is the costumes. I can ogle at the final creation till my eyes fall out. H is cute, soup bowls or not. Ash has never been known to be sexy wrt sizes :P She's beautiful. Thats all.

Chilman is a nice song. I have this annoying habit. I listen to songs, imagine it all in my head and then of crse see the real thing and most often than not, get hugely upset abt how they've shot it.

Lovely writing. Merci :)

narendra shenoy said...

@siri - Yes, I'm not much of an Ash fan. Plus, she has the histrionic abilities of a sheep.

@drenched - "Kayko Boam maar rahela hai?" is queen's Hindi for "Why are you shouting".

The sixpack did not miss the missus either.

@rads - Thanks. I thought the movie was quite well made, actually.

Ok said...

Eh! Shane tu apun ki ishtar aishwara ko gali deta kya? Ek rapta doonga khan ke neeche.

Woh! Ek dum rapchandus item hai, bhai. Ek dum firesh had shadi can baad bhi.

Great review:).


PS said...

So wait...the film isn't any good? :|

narendra shenoy said...

@ok - bhai, maaf karneka. Apun ko kya maalum aapka dil bacchan memsaab pe gayelaa hai?

@ps - it is a very nice film, good entertainment and lovely camera work. Do watch it.

deepak said...

You mean to say

"aapun ko khali phukat lafda ke beech me kayko jaane ka ?" is not hindi ? I could have sworn it was

I always assumed the reason people did not understand my hindi was because i spoke the classical version far removed from the colloquial one hears.

what are your views on the usage of tupun (2nd person singular of aapun).


deepak said...

previous post was from me.

Dont know why the full name did not appear.

Deepak Misra

narendra shenoy said...

I love 'tupun'! Infact, I think Bombay Hindi is the real thing (logical and grammatically consistent) and the Lucknow stuff is the dialect.
See you in B'lore next week (Thursday or Friday, whatever works for you)

Maddy said...

i was chuckling while reading both the review and appun wala comments ...

the movie JODAAKBA i am yet to see. 3.5 hrs is not fun. the last time we went to a movie hall to see taare zameen par, there were only two of us. but will see it at least for the song khwaja meri khawja...

it took me a good 6 months of my 4 years in mumbai to understand the very special language you have out there...

i read that ashutosh was very clever in ensuring that ash got only a few lines to speak..hey let me ask you something - did it have birbal in it? if not why not??

MAYG said...

Don't know how the heck I landed on your blog but the funniest is that I just watched the movie last night and with no guess-work involved, found the review all the more amusing :D

Honestly Akbar's biceps are rather overdone nahi?

Cynic in Wonderland said...

..ah you forgot 'khalipeeli bom kayku marta hai' and dont u think ash is rapckik itum? ( actually i agree with you, i have definitely known sheep with more histronic talent, she would have been a hell of a sculpture tho.

narendra shenoy said...

@Maddy - According to Ashutosh Gowariker, Birbal was only 13 when this story happened. Thus not in frame.

@mayg - Welcome! Yes, Hrithiks biceps are a sore point with me. I mean, look at me. I have the regular, normal, chicken-egg size biceps the consistency of fresh bread. And instead of admiring these, the ladies seem to be totally focused on the Roshan, who has arms like an ostrich procreated in them. Definitely not sexy.

@cynic in wonderland - "khalipeeli" is classic! And LOL about the sculpture.

Ash - "Mom, I finally landed a role"
Ash's mom - "What are you playing? A sculpture?"

Ash - "Mom, you're the greatest. How in the world did you guess?"

Ash's mom - "Oh, child, don't you know, Mommy knows best? You'll do well, my sweet."

And so she has.

shivprasad said...

Oye when will you see next movie and write comment on it.

Confounded-Lady said...

Yaayyy. Ash sucks Ash sucks.

People look at me sadly when I say that.
Grapes are sour?

Liked the review though. :d