Thursday, January 21, 2010

A newer, more improved me

Things have not been all hunky dory for yours truly since the missus' solo Bangalore and Mysore visit. She had a good look at how well others, namely her brother and her brother in law treat their wives, spend time with them, take them out to movies, do not drink much, and most of all do not spend HOURS AND HOURS ON THE COMPUTER!

I got all this on the way back from the airport. I knew better than to offer counter arguments. Our justice department functions like the famous "anadi" court in Bombay, sample proceedings of which are given below:

  • Judge (to small offender): The court fines you Rs. 200/-
  • Small offender : But  your honour....
  • Judge: 500!
  • Small offender : Your honour, please listen to my side of.....
  • Judge: 1000! And silence, or I'll have you thrown in jail. Next case.
In the 30 minute ride back, I was summarily ordered to spend no more than 30 minutes a day on the computer. Unlike the small offender above, I was the picture of contrition, an attitude that seemed to soothe the missus' fury. The ticking off continued, however.

"Do you even know what music I like?" asked the missus. I hung my head in shame. "My brother in law got my sister an Ipod Nano and filled it with all her favorite music". What could I say? I kept mutely agreeing to everything she said (most of which was true, of course) and by the time we got home, I had agreed to a sort of domestic Treaty of Versailles.

But unlike Germany, which started flouting the treaty the moment the Allies had turned their backs, I was - am - determined to reform completely. Mr. Systematic, that's what I shall be known as from now on, except when I'm focussed, at which time I shall be known as Mr. Focussed

And hence I shall be posting at the same time every Thursday. Not the same post of course. Ha ha. Gotcha there. No, it will be a different post, but at the same time each Thursday.  And it will be a socially relevant, informative and educational post, a post which will leave you a better human being, not someone who forgets to get their spouse an Ipod nano loaded with their (the spouse's) favorite music.

I have also been instructed not to write frivolous groaners. Actually I had a couple of juicy ones ready for publication.

"You know, my sweet, there's an interesting story about how Pondicherry got its name." I told her

"Pondicherry?" The missus was intrigued.

I took that as a sign to continue

"Around the time when the British were capturing places left and right," I said, "the British commander for the south of India suffered an excruciatingly painful suppuration in his posterior. So painful that he had actually contemplated suicide. His second-in-command dissuaded him from such drastic action and recommended the services of the local Vaidya, a man with absolutely incredible powers, he assured him.

The vaidya examined him and said that the only cure for this condition was a rare Himalayan cherry. An expedition was immediately sent, on the fastest horses and after an agonizing wait of 2 months, the posse returned, with just one cherry. "They are extremely rare, sir" explained the sergeant. This is the only one that we could find. The vaidya however assured the commander that one was more than enough, so powerful was its effect.

However, just as the vaidya was getting ready to grind it into a potion, an attack from one of the neighbouring rajahs reached the commander's mansion. They managed to beat it back, but in  the ensuing melee, the vaidya was shot by an arrow in his chest. The commander was aghast. "Quick, save this man, somebody" he shouted. But the vaidya knew his time had come. "I am afraid it is all over" he told the commander. "My life is ebbing away. I can see Lord Yama arriving to take me"

"Oh God! My arse! Tell me, how do I use this fruit to cure myself?

"Sit...." gasped the vaidya, with great effort.

"What? Say that again" the commander said, anxiously

"Sit..... " the vaidya hissed, his voice down to a whisper now, "Just sit upon the cherry". And breathed his last.

The commander wasted no time in implementing the vaidya's instructions. Placing the cherry on his chair and dropping his pajamas..."

"I get the idea" the missus said impatiently, "Carry on"

Well, it worked like magic." I continued. "The relief was stupendous. So, in honour of the vaidya's last words, the place has been known as Pondicherry ever since."


The missus gave me the look. "Naren", she told me, "do you remember the time we had gone to Kodaikanal and you wanted to peep over the cliff"

"Yes?"

"And I held on to you, afraid that you might fall?"

"Of course I remember! That was so sweet! What about it?"

"I should have let go" she said. "And furthermore, Pondicherry belonged to the French"

Which is why I have decided against posting groaners. All my posts are going to be like this one, from now on. Enriching. Ennobling. Engineering. No, wait, I didn't mean engineering, haha. Slip of the tongue. I meant, Entertaining.

That's my promise to all six of my readers out there.

24 comments:

Gradwolf said...

How about posting as the missus like before and plead not guilty!

Preeti said...

Hahaha! If anything I'd actually call this post "cute"! (i never imagined i'd call a post that)

Lemme tell you, I'm pretty certain the missus would be laughing her guts out at your shenoys when you ain't looking :)

Scattered Thoughts... said...

LOL!! too good.. any how come just 6 readers.. I am sure the number is a lot more than that..

BTW, you can start an anonymous blog to post those juicy groaners you already have.. or may be we should share the email IDs :)

Sid said...

After a long time,
You made your blog chime,
Hey, I know how to rhyme,
your post was LOLsome!

There you go....another fan of your writings!

- Sid

Srinivas said...

Fantastic posting Mr.Naren.Simple love you style of narration!!! So I will be the 7th reader here after...u can count on me??!!!

mentalie said...

hahaha. i think the missus was looking for mr.romantic, mr.systematic ;D and aiiiiyoooo, i cry for pondicherry!

Anonymous said...

this is interesting.

i have dated the same boy for five years now and i still don't know what/who his favourite colour/book/song/music/movie/thing/actor/author/singer is.

thank GOD he has such low expectations of me! :D

poor you :( i suggest you buy the missus an iTouch, fill it with salsa music, and ask her to teach you to dance. :) i predict a complaint-free 10 years following the gift.

Pitu said...

Oh, what would we do
Without Mr Shenoy
How funny his groaners
His act so coy
His posts hilarious
And dry like good gin
His interests various
The hashtag is #win!

Oh! What would we dooooooooo?

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! I hope the every Thursday one is not true...we want more posts (including groaners) ;)

"I should have let go" --- lmao!
And you do have more than 6 readers...
Enjoyed it! :)

--Saranya

Ranju said...

LOL....how come only 6 readers ?

look how you have made ur readers into poets :D

and yeah, buy the missus an itouch... or even better iphone...

sumit Das said...

Nice one ; one of the reasons being your promise that you will come out of whatever state you were in when you wrote those previous three posts. But I thought that that they called it Pondicherry coz may be dropped that cherry in the pond there.

Coconut Chutney said...

Hm I heard a different story.

Apparently, the French general, Monsiuer LeHourney was a rather, er hormonal man. But France was a rather difficult country to access materials suited to his needs. One day, his senior general told him that he was going to be posted in thatsouthindiantownnoonehadanameforyet, tout suite. And so, Lehourney set sail to the thatsouthindiantownnoonehadanameforyet.

The town fascinated him, especially the local tamils, and pretty soon, he had an excellent grip on the language and was able to converse w the locals, and was even said to have spotted saying greeting locals w/ the occasional "Bonjour, da!".

The change in scene, however did not change his hormones.He grew particularly fond of this one girl, ponvandu, whom he called ponn. One day, when he was indulging in er, frenching w ponn, the doors opened and behold! it was his fiancee.

She wasn't very pleased. As she huffed her way back to the ship and deny LeHourney of his share in her fmaily jewels, he realized the gravity of his situation and ran behind her screaming - dont go di! but it was only pon, di! cherie!

Some other french guy who saw this whole thing unfolding thought it would be very amusing to name it thus.


Long comment! apologies :D

Sri said...

LOL, cant wait to read the next one...

Anonymous said...

For a CEO, you have too much time on your hands !

How do you do this ? Love your blog.

narendra shenoy said...

@gradwolf - She posts herself! And I'm sure she willl, soon ;)

@Preeti - Thanks! LOL! She has a pretty wicked sense of humor, though she conceals it most of the time

@scattered -Hehe! Sort of groaner's anonymous. Like drug rehab, we can have groaner rehab

@sid - LOL! Nice rhyme! And thanks, once again, for being such a mood elevator!

@srinivas -thanks and welcome!

@mentalie - All women are big romantics at heart and almost all guys I know completely suck at romance. Those few that ARE romantic tend to be romantic with more than one person, if you know what I mean

@anonymous - Nice to know I have company! And thanks for the gift suggestion!

@Pitu -Hahaha! You're a mean rhymer.

@Ranju - I was thinking Iphone but it costs like 30000 rupees. I can buy an island in the pacific for that kind of money. I think I'll wait for apple to come out with distress sales. No seriously, I was thinking itouch

@sumit - I thought about what you said, thought deeply, and felt that if it was really cherry in the pond, it should have been Cherripond, instead of Pondicherry. Not, the thing is deeper than that. The name theory, mean, not the pond.

narendra shenoy said...

@chutney - Hehe. You are worse than me (which is good, because I can show the missus that she's getting a good deal, overall ;)

Monsieur Lehourney! LOL!

@sri - Soon! Actually I do have another Pondicherry one but I'd probably get killed if I uncork it so soon after the earlier one.

@anonymous -I'm not actually a CEO like say Anand Mahindra or that infosys dude. I have a small workshop where we manufacture knicknacks for engineering companies. I just call myself a CEO because it sounds better than Garage Mechanic

Having said that, I must say that CEOs in general have hajaar free time. I have a couple of classmates who are CEOs (real CEOs, not fraud CEOs like me) who spend most of their time at home

Divya said...

good one shenoy mam, he he

Cris said...

I didnt get it. How did Himalayan cherry become Pondicherry after the Vaidya said to sit on it?

sumit Das said...

@chutney, Bow to thee man....
I didn't get that all , but Monsiuer LeHourney.......You must be as pathetic as Mr. shenoy to think of something like that.

Giribala said...

Enjoyed reading the post! It reminded me of this Einstein quote: “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

bhargavabhat said...

Well, I remember the last time I decided to do something same time every Thursday night. Zee Cinema used to have a 'special' screening once a week back then.
Nice post btw.

MRC said...

Came blog hopping and slipped onto this...er...cherry!! LOL! My sympathies would be with your wife had I not had a hubby who subjects me to similar groaners....

Rain-In-The-Face said...

Been catching up on my reading :). Please keep the groaners coming! Though personally I think they're hilarious.

And about the iPod. I gave one to my wife. With no songs on it. I like to think that I'm not encroaching on her right to fill said iPod with whatever she wants. Try that tack next time.

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Six readers? :P