Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ask the Management Guru - I


Inaugurating a popular series "Ask the Management Guru", where your most profound and disturbing questions on the vast field of management, economics, interpersonal relationships, organizational behaviour, adult entertainment - ok, not adult entertainment - and other related fields will be answered by our resident Management Guru


Q. Recently, in a meeting, an MBA from a premier B-School said something that sounded like "a reference point for commonality of paradigm shifts in six sigma and core competency, and the five pees of management". What does this mean? - (From "Confused", Mumbai)

A. Dear "Confused".
You are evidently not an MBA. Don't you know your five pees of management?
  • The first pee, at management trainee level, is the "I'm scared witless" pee
  • The second, at the assistant sales manager level, is the "I've been in the conference room for four hours and the a.c. is getting to me" pee.
  • The third, at profit-center head level, is the "I've had five beers at this business lunch and all five want to come out now" pee
  • The fourth, five years from retirement, is the "This diabetes is making me go to the loo every fifteen minutes" pee
  • And finally, for those who make it to the very top of the pole, the fifth pee is "Wow! That's my bonus?" pee.
Q. What is a paradigm? - (From "Jargonically Challenged", Patiala)
A. Dear "Jargonically Challenged".
No one knows for sure. Most of the gurus believe that the paradigm is a creature which looks like a horse but has a horn in the center of its forehead.

Q. But isn't that a unicorn?
A. What are you, a naive believer in fairy tales? Everyone knows the unicorn is mythical. Paradigms keep shifting and often solve problems in this fashion.

Q. Do you believe that the Ambani brothers were responsible for the recent stock market crash?(From "Stoke Mar Cate Ache Spurt", Rajkot)
A. Dear Stoke
No, that was God. The Ambani brothers were responsible for the stock market rise.

Please send in your questions pertaining to anything troubling you in the vast and wondrous world of management and economics. Our Guru will be happy to clarify the situation.

20 comments:

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Jai ho guruji. What is concomitant shift?

narendra shenoy said...

A "concomitant" is also a horse like creature with a horn in the middle of its forehead. But unlike a paradigm, which keeps shifting oftener than Amar Singh's beady eyes, a concomitant doesn't shift unless there is an earthquake.

Nandini Vishwanath said...

LOL @ both you and Cyn :)

Wicked :D said...

Maharaj, Hum halwai kaaa dukaan chalatein hain Ghatkopar mein. Aap humhein yeh bataia ki hum kaise "triple the top line and double the bottom line" karenge? Humra pass tijori mein dho hajaar rupiye hain dukaan mein invest karne keliya.


P.S. I actually heard my dad telling this to some 10 people on the phone. He is your typical jargon-man. Paradigm, TQM, focus, annual business plan, review meeting, team building et al. Thats why he earns so much and I see no way I will match him with my stupid Ph.d. degree;).

Wicked :D said...

I meant my dad used "Triple ...."

Superficial Gibbering prater said...

Sir ji,Whats a perspective ??

--A directionless bugger on the Blore Streets

gradwolf said...

sri sri narendra shenoy mba, what is SWOT analysi?? :p

lol, this is the best sine naren gets married series. keep them coming.

Coconut Chutney said...

Dear pandit-ji,
Hai, myself Lalu Sharma. Actual mein kya hoga ki I am a science graduate but now I am thinking into MBA. They are saying it is the money coming course, no?
But Pappa is saying me to look after family business in my gaon. Ji I am confused, I want to making many monies but before that, they is telling me to write CAT test. In my gaon, we dont have cats. Only kuththes. But Pappu Singh best breeder. He telling me all cats run away after seeing his kuththes.
Pandit-ji, I have attached my kundli also. Kindly tell me if I possible able to MBA, and also if possibly, when I will get the wife.
Thanking you
Lalu Sharma B.Sc

Anonymous said...

Sigsbee!

You are too good man.

Soapy

narendra shenoy said...

@wicked - Golden rule of management.The lesser you know specifically, the more they pay you.

@superficial - I think a perspective is what Lady MBAs use to keep their lipsticks and compacts, as in "She opened her perspective and pulled out a tissue to wipe her tears, which were caused by the concomitant shift in the core competencies of the organization"

@grad - SWOT is the past tense of Sweat. "When the chairman asked him to explain the slowdown in his division, he SWOT". Swot analysis is the study of what makes people SWOT.

@chutney - Rolling on the floor! Where did you learn to speak such chaste language? Kuththees!

@soapy - Thanks!

deepak said...

Master-ji

I saw this article a decade give or take a couple of years back and have always been baffled as to the hidden and deep meaning. This quote resembles the current state of the market so perhaps you could enlighten me?

#quote#
``It's a very choppy market with a lot of rotation, and I think that that
is going to continue until a trend emerges,'' said Peter Gottlieb, vice
president and portfolio manager at First Albany Asset Management.
#unquote#

My understanding from this pearl of wisdom is that the market will either go up or down unless it decides to go up or down. Is my understanding correct? You think I would qualify for a MBA on the strength of this interpretation ?

Yours in the search for wisdom

Deepak

narendra shenoy said...

@deepak - Wow! That is something! The perfect circular statement. I think every management institure should have a portrait of Peter Gottlieb hanging in the classroom, like we have Mahatma Gandhi in courts and government offices.

Scribblers Inc said...

.....

The best I could come up with..

Scribblers Inc.
*bows*

Cynic in Wonderland said...

slightly tangential but the best quote which i had heard from a brand manager in a ahem big mnc was " ..we have done an extensive SWOT and BCG and a whole host of other models and come to the conclusion that decline in sales can be directly attributed to the fact that the consumers are excercising the power of choice"

narendra shenoy said...

@cynic - *chuckle* Good for these guys that they live in these times where they earn handsome salaries and generally get fussed over by all and sundry. In another age, they would have been beheaded by the emperor for being a fool.

Even Jack Welch is not above such profundity. "Companies which are competitive in their local environment have a better chance than those which are not, when it comes to succeeding". You really thought hard for that one, didn't you, Jack?

TS said...

Dude (or would you prefer uncle?) you are hilarious ;)

SRK said...

hi, been a long time reader, not a frequent commenter..

this jargon thing reminds me of a post i wrote looong back...
http://kirukukiruku.blogspot.com/2006/06/videshi-jargon-manch.html

sorry for the shameless blog whoring, but this is what I would like to call 'intelligent positioning of one's product to a niche audience of people" :P

AlwaysHappyKya said...

Where do you get these superbly hilarious ideas from !!

And hey, you surely know the five Pees of Management well.

Will await some more gyaan in this area.

ROTFL !

Sud said...

Thank you guruji for confirming my long held belief. I always felt deep down it was the gods who made markets go down

Preeti said...

Ok, i dont wanna sound like a fool (yea yea iv dne my mba!) so im not asking doubts and all...but this was HILARIOUS! you should start teachin...damn! it would've been awesome had you been my teacher!