Welcome back to your favorite agony column - Ask the Management Guru. Today our focus will be on behavioral issues, social issues, interpersonal issues, issues of etiquette, adult entertainment - ok, not adult entertainment - and general issues not directly related to work.
Recent research indicates that such issues constitute 97 percent of everything happening in the typical organization. So kindly listen up.
Q. My boss uses a pink cellphone, waxes his chest and giggles in meetings. Is he gay? Will he make a pass at me? - Concerned Male Management Trainee, San Francisco
Please understand that gay people are humans too, and as normal as you and me. Just as a heterosexual man would not grab at every passing female, unless of course he is W. J. Clinton of Little Rock, Arkansas, a gay man will not be trying to pinch your buns. Unless you have very cute buns, in which case it will be wise to wear baggy trousers to work and avoid bending over to pick up things when in his office.
Also, please note that merely carrying pink cellphones and giggling in meetings does not mean that he his gay. Even if he waxes his chest. If you really want to find out if he's gay, here's a good test. It's called the "Love-bite test". If he has love bites on his chest, he is straight. If he has love bites on his back, chances are he is gay. Unfortunately, to run this test, you have to get him to take his clothes off, in which case you'll probably find out in more direct ways if he is gay. Ha Ha Ha.
Q. Is it ok to burp at board meetings? - "Gas" Ramachandran, Chennai
Dear "Gas" - It is alright as long as you don't wake anyone up. Also, try to burp in C-major as research indicates that it is conducive to milk production in cattle.
Q. Is it alright to fall in love with an internal auditor? Ms. "Romance" Sharma, Delhi
Dear "Romance". It is NOT alright! How do you know how many unsuspecting women he has already audited internally? How do you he wont audit every pretty face he comes across? Unless he promises to stick to external audits, I think you should stay far away from this species of shark.
Q. I have just been elevated to Vice President in our company and suddenly, all I seem to be doing is playing golf. Is this a waste of time? Conscientious, Mumbai
Which dweeb selected you for the position of Vice President, I should like to know. Waste of time, forsooth! At least you had the sense to conceal your real name, because otherwise, you would have been demoted to Assistant Sales Manager right away. Unless you work for an American company, in which case Vice President is probably the entry level position and your promotion would be to Assistant Sales Manager. Golf, dear Conscientious, is the reason why companies are incorporated and funds raised from the public. Now don't go around asking questions like this. Improve your handicap instead.