Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ask the Management Guru - II

Welcome back to your favorite agony column - Ask the Management Guru. Today our focus will be on behavioral issues, social issues, interpersonal issues, issues of etiquette, adult entertainment - ok, not adult entertainment - and general issues not directly related to work.

Recent research indicates that such issues constitute 97 percent of everything happening in the typical organization. So kindly listen up.


Q. My boss uses a pink cellphone, waxes his chest and giggles in meetings. Is he gay? Will he make a pass at me? - Concerned Male Management Trainee, San Francisco

Dear Concerned:
Please understand that gay people are humans too, and as normal as you and me. Just as a heterosexual man would not grab at every passing female, unless of course he is W. J. Clinton of Little Rock, Arkansas, a gay man will not be trying to pinch your buns. Unless you have very cute buns, in which case it will be wise to wear baggy trousers to work and avoid bending over to pick up things when in his office.

Also, please note that merely carrying pink cellphones and giggling in meetings does not mean that he his gay. Even if he waxes his chest. If you really want to find out if he's gay, here's a good test. It's called the "Love-bite test". If he has love bites on his chest, he is straight. If he has love bites on his back, chances are he is gay. Unfortunately, to run this test, you have to get him to take his clothes off, in which case you'll probably find out in more direct ways if he is gay. Ha Ha Ha.


Q. Is it ok to burp at board meetings? - "Gas" Ramachandran, Chennai

Dear "Gas" - It is alright as long as you don't wake anyone up. Also, try to burp in C-major as research indicates that it is conducive to milk production in cattle.

Q. Is it alright to fall in love with an internal auditor? Ms. "Romance" Sharma, Delhi

Dear "Romance". It is NOT alright! How do you know how many unsuspecting women he has already audited internally? How do you he wont audit every pretty face he comes across? Unless he promises to stick to external audits, I think you should stay far away from this species of shark.

Q. I have just been elevated to Vice President in our company and suddenly, all I seem to be doing is playing golf. Is this a waste of time? Conscientious, Mumbai

Dear Conscientious
Which dweeb selected you for the position of Vice President, I should like to know. Waste of time, forsooth! At least you had the sense to conceal your real name, because otherwise, you would have been demoted to Assistant Sales Manager right away. Unless you work for an American company, in which case Vice President is probably the entry level position and your promotion would be to Assistant Sales Manager. Golf, dear Conscientious, is the reason why companies are incorporated and funds raised from the public. Now don't go around asking questions like this. Improve your handicap instead.

24 comments:

Arun Sundar said...

Gay one was good :) You seem to do the research!

Coconut Chutney said...

Lol, I am all out of questions for this one, sir-ji.
:D

gradwolf said...

Awesome. Why is poor Clinton of Arkansas appearing on every page here?

And nice touch @ Management Trainee from San Francisco. Did you read this by any chance?

maxdavinci said...

I don't mind being an Internal Auditor!

loved the sarcasm...

Wicked :D said...

Do you offer correspondance courses? I am interested.

Bhel Puri & Seekh Kabab said...

Dear Prof.Bertie Drucker,

please to clarify C-major link with cows.

Confoosed in NY

Idling in Top Gear said...

Of course, the gay one must be from SF! Lol at the love bite test!

Rohit said...

:) Hillarious!

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Good ones.
Is this series an endless one?
Then, I am happy.

Preeti said...

@Wolfie - I thought of the saaame thing! haha!

Uncle S, HILARIOUSSSSSSSS!!! Really, sooopeerrr [Rajni style ;)]

maduraiveeran said...

Extremely Hilarious!!! Desipundit zindabaad for linking.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Write a book I say.

AlwaysHappyKya said...

This series is getting better by the day!

Sooper funny!

Know what, I second 'cynic in wonderland'. Write a book saar!

10yearslate said...

Guruji,

When I, a daily shaving (not in the Anil Kapoor class though)male went to the police station to complain about my female manager making sexual advances to me, I got laughed at. Words used were "Chance milya so, maar-ne ka ray bevday!".

Are there any adam-teasing laws in our country maaraaya-re?

Confounded-lady said...

lol @ conducive to milk production in cattle.

How do you come up with such ones really? :))

buddy said...

lol..hilarious

rambodoc said...

This comment is for the last four posts, which just made my morning a good one. Three cheers for our manage master! Great going, going, gone!

ray said...

Hi ,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be wow.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘Autobiography of an ordinary man’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

Cheers,

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Dang! The rambhai spam comes here as well

LOL

Ms Taggart said...

ROFL! I loved the gay one best!

Landed here through DesiPundit.

Ms Taggart said...

Btw, you a Mangalorean by any chance?

narendra shenoy said...

The management guru thanks the following people for recognizing his advice as sound

Shri Arun Sundar - "A poet could not but be gay, in such a jocund company" William Wordsworth, "The Daffodils"

Kum Coconut Chutney - We ascribe your speechlessness to innocence and general disconnection with the real world which, while admirable, is injurious to health. Please get maliciousness into your personality.....

to be continued... my boss and Commander is asking me to drive her to the parlor

narendra shenoy said...

The management guru thanks these many more following people for recognizing his advice as sound

gradwolf -
"If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly" - Shakespeare
"Lets do it NOW, baby" W. J. Clinton, Little Rock, Arkansas

max - me too. Internal Auditor is the profession of the 21st century

wicked:d - I thought you were doing a PhD in this subject

bpsk - Most inhabitants of boardrooms are cows. There are honorable exceptions, of course. Quite a few of them are rats.

idling - Your deep study in this field has inspired and educated us.

rohit - You mean, instructive, don't you? Thanks!

nikhil - Thanks!

preeti - Thanks!

maduraiveeran - I owe Desipundit. Thanks!

cynic - You are too nice. Thanks! I read your post about that, btw:-)

... to be continued. Now off to dinner

Nagaravind said...

Nice posts... That one where an American works his way from Vice-President to Assistant Sales Manager is from a Wodehouse book, i think!!!