Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Secret World of the Secret Service

(Author's Caveat: The complexity of the following story and the intricacy of its plot might lead the reader to suspect that the author has had one too many. The reader would be right, of course, but still...)






His powers of deduction were extraordinary, which is why the CIA would trust no one else with such assignments. Even his reading of data was legendary. Langley still used it in its "Eavesdropping 101". For instance his interpretation of a lady's "Yes! Yes! Oh, God, Yes!" emanating from the Oval Office one evening in 1995 as evidence of the soundness of the President's draft Economic Proposal is still spoken of in awe.

But the problems facing the government had become a lot more sinister. Just yesterday had come news of a terrible tragedy at a nudist camp in Florida where in a relay race there was some confusion over the exchange of batons and one of the participants was dragged halfway around the track. Surely, the work of the Al Quaida!

And a senior theoretical physicist at the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center had been arrested on charges of trying to molest a female graduate student because, as he put it "her bosons gave me a hadron". Could it be a Russian plot?

To top it all, the Vice President had recently tried to shoot a bunch of blameless protons because he heard them go "quark quark", and the news channels were making a big issue of it.

And now this. News had come in from Afghanistan that Osama was going to blow up the world. But how was he going to do it? Was he planning to buy a Nuclear Device from the Russian Mafia? Was he going to use biological weapons from the North Koreans? Surely not an army of Suicide Bombers? He knew it could be none of these. They had all been tried before and the Agency had ears everywhere.

Osama was smart. And logical. You had to out-think him. But how? How? HOW?

Reclining with a bourbon in his living room, his finely tuned senses picked up movement behind the door......

He stole into the bedroom with the stealthiness of a cat and caught the spy planting the bug. Twisting her arm in a smooth movement, he held her neck in a vice like grip. "Oooooh! Oooooh! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!" she moaned, puzzling him. Then he realized he had sprayed Axe deodorant that evening. "Ha! Now she will tell me all!" he thought, and made her sniff his armpit.

Moaning, she collapsed, losing all resistance. "Mercy! I'll tell you anything!" she said.

"Tell me how they're going to do it" he demanded.

"Gasp", she gasped, "They're ..." and told him all.

His brow furrowed, he stared blankly into the distance. Who would believe him that Osama wanted to blow up the world with a giant air compressor?

22 comments:

maxdavinci said...

confusion over the exchange of batons


OMG OMG cudn't read beyond that! fantastic sirjee...

full kalakkal you are doing!

ps: dont ask me to translate, it looses its sheen then

narendra shenoy said...

@max - Thanks! Actually, that baton thing is not original (I heard something in that vein a few days back) but I laughed my ass off!

Partho said...

It's an evening in the life of one Dick Steele you write about, do you? The one who Spies hard?

You have a great future in screenplay writing, Guruji. I hear Mike Myers is suffering from creative glut. He seeks assistance in writing the next Goldmember story.

Priyank said...

boy this is a funny one, kya baat hai :) quark quark !

Rukmani Ram said...

"quark quark"

Oh man!!! good one!

Coconut Chutney said...

I've still not recovered from the baton joke. You're in top form these days! *bows*

gradwolf said...

Waah shenoy sahib, full form mein hain aap toh! ROFL@ her bosons gave me a hadron!

LOL! Ultimate tht was!

archana said...

hilarious..!!

Preeti said...

Ive gotta agree - ur in some form! Lotta postin, lotta thinkin - neat!

sthitapragnya said...

Subhan Allah! Subhan Allah! Waah kya kahani hai! Narendraji Sooooper!
ROFL @ "confusion over the exchange of batons" ! Nudists in Florida 'are' as stupid as you describe, I come to hear.

rambodoc said...

Some of the gags are hardcore pro stuff: Andy Borowitz would gladly tear those lines off and use them.
BTW, Naren, you will probably like my old story of Osama and Harry Potter
(though I dislike linking my own posts in others' blogs).

rambodoc said...

Some of the gags are hardcore pro stuff: Andy Borowitz would gladly tear those lines off and use them.
BTW, Naren, you will probably like my old story of Osama and Harry Potter
(though I dislike linking my own posts in others' blogs).

narendra shenoy said...

Doc, that Harry Potter thing was outrageous! "Where the sanctified fornication are you?" shall be my battle cry forever!

Wicked :D said...

I dint follow the last one. Best was the white house and the nudist race:).

Vishnudas said...

I came to this blog by accident and never regretted it..shades of Wodehouse I would say!! Very good - do keep them coming!

Preeti Sharma said...

LOL funny.

Scribblers Inc said...

oh ma jejus cream biscuits!! I am dead of laffing!! too much!!

Scribblers Inc.

Arun Sundar said...

lol..

Arjun J said...

Man , That was Hilarious .. Adi gave me link to your page and this post is just brilliant!! .. Added you to Reader :-)

Escape.... Great Escape said...

Why am I thinking about guys not having too much mobility when aroused?

Atleast I am thinking...

Ashvin said...

Stumbled onto your blog from Maddy's. Best accident that ever happened. I laughed so hard that I farted (I have been wanting to say that to someone, anyone, for a very long time now....)

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

["her bosons gave me a hadron"]

The best line I've come across on your blog till now.

Hail Shenoy.