Antivirus for the soul

A friend just told me she had been to a satsang. Nothing unusual about that, you might say, except that she is a very un-satsang-like person. She is to Satsangs what Kim Jong-il is to Democracy. And yet she found it worthwhile to attend one! Must be something in it, right? Well, I therefore took it upon me - I am that kind of person, you know - to elucidate the subject in simple terms, in the FAQ format so popular with the public.

Satsang - FAQs

Q: Whatis a satsang? Is it like a fully automatic washing machine for the Soul with automatic rinse and spin cycles?

A: A nice metaphor, the washing machine, but too simplistic. Except for the fact that satsangs are usually as noisy as washing machines, go on for roughly the same amount of time as a standard wash-rinse-spin program, and make about as much sense as a front-loading whirlpool, there is little similarity.

A satsang is more like antivirus for the soul. When we interact with the world, certain bad programs install themselves and make us do bad things, usually involving a credit card. A satsang attempts to scan your soul and delete these programs or, if that is not possible, quarantine them or, if even that is not possible, steal somebody else's credit card.

Q: What kind of programs?

There are many bad programs (gluttony.exe, lust.com, greed.pif, pride.info and so on) but they are rarely found in the plain form in most souls. They usually morph into Trojans using Stealth Technology and become really hard to find.

In female Souls, some common Trojans are

Need_a_new_dress.pif

I_HATE_her!_How_dare_she_have_a_bigger_solitaire_than_me.com

My_mother_in_law_is_a_dragon.info

and the most difficult to remove

You_dont_love_me_anymore.exe

In male souls there are fewer Trojans, though all are notoriously hard to remove. Here are the major ones

Look_at_those_hooters!.com

I_HATE_him!_How_dare_he_have_a_bigger_SUV_than_me.exe

Directions?_I_dont_need_no_directions.info

and of course, the big daddy of them all

Ofcourse_I_ can_handle_another_drink.pif

Q. Will the Satsang antivirus remove all of these?

While every care is taken to achieve complete consumer satisfaction, we do not purport to provide complete error free solutions in all cases. Furthermore, in the case of certain viruses, additional actions may be required.

For instance, the
Look_at_those_hooters!.com
virus seems to be best removed when a certain part of the affected soul's hardware is cut off.

The
You_dont_love_me_anymore.exe
virus requires purchase of accessories (see "The add-on Jewellery Package") to be removed from the system, though the recurrence is almost certain, despite such purchase.

Q. Is the propensity for infection dependent on the kind of soul?
A. Yes. The soul most easily affected is the large and complicated WindowsVistaTM type soul. Unfortunately, this is also the most common type, because it tends to be bundled with the hardware by the OEM (sometimes known as 'GOD'). There are some free, independent Linux distro type souls which are immune from viruses, but they are quite rare.

Q. WOW! Where can one find these free, independent Linux distro type souls?
A. Only one place. Running naked in the Kalahari Desert.