Sunday, February 22, 2009

I'm Blaming My Parents for not making me a Numerologist

It is very fashionable these days to blame one's parents for one's flaws or problems. In fact, you risk being a social outcast if you can't find anything to blame your parents for.

"Psst!"

"What?"

"Behind you! Dont look now. That is Naren. He can't find anything to blame his parents for"

"You mean....."

"Yes. I mean he got all his faults by himself. Can you believe it!"

"Uggghhhh!"

And the said persons draw themselves away sharply when someone introduces you to them, inquiring whether there is a funny smell in the air or it's just their imagination.

But the other day, I found something in my favorite newspaper, the Mumbai Mirror, which has clarified my confused thinking and showed me the way. That article outlined the basics of numerology and how much these people earned, and were sought after. Eyeopening!

NOW I know what to blame my parents for.

I BLAME MY PARENTS FOR NOT MAKING ME A NUMEROLOGIST

I remember being persuaded, against my fervent wishes, to study engineering. Or medicine.

"There is no other branch of study, as far as I can tell", my mother told me.

My plan of being a movie actor did not seem to impress her much.

"Naren, I am your mother and I love you very much but on a scale of 0 to 10 for looks, you are too close to 0 to be a movie actor", she told me dismissively.

I had had third party confirmation of this diagnosis earlier so I did not press the point. But surely, it was her maternal duty to actively look for other, more fruitful professions. She did not.

And now I read in the paper that this numerologist is consulted by all the mighty ones in show-biz and high finance for advice on all matters from the suitability of a movie script to the investability in a stock.

Now I make all kinds of contraptions to help manufacture things faster and more cheaply, charging a dime or nickel here and there for my services. And should the said contraption not work, I don't get paid even that dime or nickel. In fact, even if the said contraption was working well, a glitch would get my dime/nickel payer clawing at my throat with a view to strangling me. A demanding way to earn a living. And this after an eternity studying fun-filled subjects like Fluid Mechanics and Machine Kinematics.

Now contrast this with a qualified Numerologist. He or she would have to acquire number skills to add up the digits in your birthdate and conclude that since the sum is three, and three is the number of Jupiter, you should add a "K" to the beginning of your name which would make the total 4 and now, since this is the number for Mars, you can eat all the chocolates you want without becoming fat.

Plus, as far as I can see, numerology requires no knowledge of differential equations.

I am planning to send my children to an Ivy league school for numerology. Harvard, perhaps. Or Stanford. Even Princeton will do. They had a very good professor of numerology called Einstein, though he's no more. But if my sons do their Masters in Clairvoyance as well, they could probably get coaching from Einstein regardless, and for free, too.

Anyway this is not about my children. It is about my parents. I'm grateful to them for having given me something to blame them for, at last.

Appendix - A primer of Numerology Theory

Numerology is the science of numbers and their influence on one's destiny.

The basic technique is to add digits up and keep adding them till they can't get added any further. This condition, as the great Isaac Newton discovered, is when they get to a single digit.

Thus, Newton's First Law of Numerology is as follows

"If you can't add them no more, draw conclusions"

A famous scientist and empirical numerologist named Karan Johar made the startling discovery that the appeal of a movie script depends on numerology and not whether or not that script makes sense.

The Karan Johar theorem of practical numerology states that

"The success of a film is directly proportional to the number of K's in its name"

Another brilliant theorist named Ekta Kapoor extended this theory to television and made this formal statement of what is now known to numerology students as the Ekta Kapoor Lemma to the Karan Johar Theorem, namely

"
The success of a tele-serial is directly dependent on the serial's name beginning with a K." This was a startling discovery back then but now is an integral part of mainstream numerological thought.

While one could go on elucidating further, one fears that one's audience might not be up to the intellectual demands for this abstruse subject. One therefore decides to put a sock in it.

KKKKnarendra KshenoyKKK
M.A.(Numerology), (Oxon), PhD(appearing)

16 comments:

Idling in Top Gear said...

My first name has a numerological twist. Back in 82 (yes, my parents were ahead of the curve) my dad consulted a numerlogist who suggested a rather uncommon spelling for my common name. 26 years later of de auto-correcting my name, another more popular numerlogist suggested changing it to the way everyone else spells it! The best part - the second guy's much publicized book says the best combination for my birthday is a name that adds up to 19 (not a single digit, go figure!) and my current name (with the weird spelling) adds up to 19! Tch - I wish the guy was consistent with his book at least!

This post reminds me that I am delinquent on my "top 10 lucrative careers you had no idea you could get into" post! :)

gauri said...

NAREN!!!! You stole my post!! Even before I could put it up, lol!! :( Even the KKKgauri, damn!! :(

Rest of the post was different - just the fact that it's numeraalagy & the kkkpunchline :P (I'm serious!!)

LOL, I don't believe this! Can I still put it up?

-g

PS: Hilarious :)

Vivek said...

I add and I get 8, so now I can have twice the number of chocolates and not get fat!
I agree a career in the Film Industry wouldn't help much,(No frequent blog posts then) :D
Consider changing your blog Title to include more Ks if it helps.
Sadly the only legacy my parents left me were oily noses and nostrils big enough to spelunking in!
Sigh.

Partho said...

I'm a number three man. Which apparently means I can live off water and lettuce leaves but I'll still put on weight. Among other things I blame my parents for not making me: a jewelery designer, a bartender, a celebrity interior specialist...the list goes on.
Great post.
Paaarthou

Siddharth said...

He He :)

And you could have added a K to your name and become a TV Star on the top TRP rated channel giving Knumerology advice.

Kahaani Knumerologist Ki...!

- Sid

Coconut Chutney said...

I was born on the 8th, which apparently is not good for anything other than becoming a delinquent at the age of 26, which is pretty much on track. I blame my parents.

Coconut Chutney said...

Kbrilliant KPost Kby Kthe Kway

-KkchutneyKase

Gajar said...

"If you can't add them no more, draw conclusions"

First interesting theorem ive heard since graduating in engineering! Haha

buddy said...

kfunny kpost!

K.Ramachandran said...

this post gives uniform satisfaction, sir !

chokkathangam said...

hmm.. i think you can rewrite american history texts here. sometime after the american civil war, the left over confederates, observing that even the blacks did not give a fuck about them anymore, might have felt compelled to follow the karan johar theory and give themselves a name like ku klux klan. in fact, that is the only rational explanation i can come up with for a name like that. admittedly, karan johar was from the future, but who knows, there might have been a reverse clairvoyance graduate from harvard amongst them.

and coming to think of it, i had a friend who was (un)popularly called kadalai kundi (flirt ass) karthik kumar. wonder which company he is heading now.

Lakshmi Bharadwaj said...

Was "lol"ing all the way!! :-) ugh!! I hate the karan-johar theorem....gets on my nerves sometimes, all those milllions of "k"'s!!!

SRK said...

I wonder why Karan Johar doesn't shift to Khar, Kurla, Kharghar, Koparkhairane etc...

I also wonder what would have happenned if the numerologist had suggested 'X' instead of 'K' as the lucky alphabet... would we have got more exciting films with many 'X's in the title?

Mahesh said...

It didn't work for Klu Klux Klan :) Despite the K's. Might be them white sheets clashing with the planet of K, they should have a tried a black sheet instead, hehehe !

Interesting how much numerology affects us. In Tamil Nadu, you *cannot* get a new vehicle who's reg number adds up to 8. If you need, you have to apply for one.

Pitu said...

HAHHAAHA awesome!!!!! Btw one of my pet peeves has to do with Preity Zinta. Atleast the Kjos and Kekta Matas of the world admit they are into numerology. Mrs Wadia wannabe doesn't even want to accept it. My name is Priti too and dude, there are really only ways to spell it- PRITI or PREETI. Add an extra H if South Indian.

Buw P-R-I-E-T-Y????????? WTF! And then she goes about giving this 'I am so cool and awesome and non-faddish and non-moronic' vibe. Whatev.

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Kthxbai