Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A secret account of a secret meeting on security

We have eyes and ears every where, even though we may sometimes forget to zip up our fly. We have been snooping around, listening in on conversations, checking to see if the Powers That Be are running the country well. We are happy to report that they are. Sometimes, especially in moments of stress, they might become Powers That Pee, or even Powers That Flee, but that does not detract from their basic soundness and the firmness of their grasp on matters of National Importance.

Thus, when we got the opportunity to listen in on a top secret meeting on the vexatious issue of national security, we decided to write a secret account. This is for your eyes only. Burn your laptop after reading this.

First item on agenda:
Assault rifle to replace lathi of policeman.

The point was welcomed and accepted without debate as necessary and vital for the security of the realm. As the chair said, "Now that we know that assault rifles are more powerful than lathis, there is not a moment to lose"

Honorable Minister for Health made the invaluable point that for policemen suffering from hypertension, instead of assault rifle a low-salt rifle would be made available,. The suggestion was minuted on the instructions of the chair.

Honorable Minister for Law made the further invaluable point that proper training be given to security personnel in the use of the assault rifle, especially a caveat against carrying AA cells or even AAA cells for that matter, since the Hon. Minister recalled that Assault and Battery are punishable under CrPC and IPC. The chair noted the point appreciatively, and asked it to be minuted

Second item on agenda:
Issue of combat training to police force

This point too was welcomed and accepted without debate as necessary and vital for the security of the realm. This time the chair expressed amazement at the revelation that the police lacked combat training, remarking that "We think it is right they should be tight when they fight with all their might for then they would be outtasight" but the cabinet secretary asked this remark to be expunged as it might lead to speculation as to who exactly was tight.

Honorable Minister for Parliamentary affairs made the invaluable suggestion that it be made compulsory for serving policemen to attend parliament in session, to improve their unarmed combat skills. The suggestion was gratefully acknowledged by the chair and so incorporated.

Third item on agenda:

Sadly, before he could listen in on the third item, your correspondent was spotted, detected and thrown out of the meeting with the consent of the chair and pretty much all the other furniture, including the drapes, a candelabrum and two ceiling fans. But we're still hopeful. We still have both our ears to the ground though given the structure of our face, this involves burying our head, but duty is paramount. Stay tuned. We may not be Barkha Dutt but we try harder.


MAITREYA said...

I think the other item on the agenda should have been to instruct the NSG to sanitize Kerala of V S Achutanandan !!

discom. said...

lol,its sad that ur correspondent was deprived of the honour of listening to the profond views of a certain Ms.Discom Bombulated(on the pressing issues of discom discom sounds of gunfire in our midst).not unusual,as her views are usually given the same importance as say Bangladesh in the UN(ok,ok....u know the source..).But the lady is determined to make herself heard....And soon will join the tribe of the know alls by claiming a blog to herself.

Ram said...


Two of the very best

1. "Assault and Battery"

2. "Low salt"

I have a feeling Gautham might have something to do with these?

narendra shenoy said...

@ram - Accurately diagnosed! Assault and battery is mine. The low salt is courtesy the brat, who came up with

"What is the opposite of assault rifle?"
"A pepper Rifle"

Gradwolf said...

Third Point in Agenda:

Public Speaking classes for politicians.

Vivek said...

LOL at post + comments!

Anonymous said...

punny....bade miyaan to bade miyaan...chhote miyan.....

Anonymous said...

Bade miyaan toh bade miyaan, chhote miyaan toh Marri-a-tot!
(Bade Miyaan is the legendary kabab outlet in the lane behind the Taj hotel in Mumbai.)
Super wit (yours, not mine).

Anonymous said...

many apologies...not being a mumbaiker did not know about the kabab outlet....merely wished to compliment a blog that provided a little levity but with much truth at a tragic time...will withdraw before foot in mouth disease overcomes....

Preeti said...

Pepper rifle!


J. Alfred Prufrock said...

The pertinent question is, wotchoo bin smok'n, dood?!
Whatever it is, spread it around!


Anonymous said...

barkha dutt is not in this meeting cos she is busy hangin out of MEA building, asking condi rice "how she feels"

condi responded by askin her if she has some, as it is that time of the month for her...

dutt turned to the tv and said "codi rice is feeling bloated, nauseas, and irritable becos she just relived her 9/11 thro india's 9/11"

Susa said...

Hmm, with the formidable Shenoy (Mister, not missus) deeply concerned with political affairs, this is as good a time as any to propose the said Shenoy step into a certain de-Patillized job at the Home ministry. Who needs guns when you have puns? :)

Arun Sundar said...

I really hope ppl from our Govt read your blogs!

Good one, yet again sir!!

Partho said...

Hilarity again! Awaiting your intrepid reporting from the scene of diplomatic parlays between India, Pakistan and US.

JOSH said...

If only the POLICE had taken an intern in Parliment, NSG commondos would not be required.

Pls don't talk abt Barkha, she is just playing to the galleries and her bosses.These ppl are allmisusing the power