Thursday, December 25, 2008

In which I have a meal - and other unusual stuff

Square meals these days are quite unusual for me. I am following what is known as the Zone Diet, in which one gets all ones carbohydrates from fruits and vegetables, and proteins from soya granules. And taste from memory. Every once in a while I am allowed to look at pictures of food. Yesterday I saw a full page photograph of Pasta in White Sauce, as I was eating the broccoli.

And today, we went for a nice traditional Satyanarayana Pooja and a traditional banana leaf meal thereafter. Actually, the only thing I COULD have eaten was the banana leaf itself. Everything else was high glycaemic load carbohydrates. But religion is religion. I pigged out on the goodies, and I'm wallowing in guilt at the time of writing this.

A very close friend, similarly situated in terms of triglycerides yet unable to bring himself to follow such diets asked me how I manage to do it. Here I must resort to aphorisms and mystic couplets like the old masters in the upanishads who had to answer all those questions like "who am I" and weren't allowed snappy answers like "you are someone who could use deodorant". The master here is the missus. I am the faithful disciple.

Said the disciple

O all-knowing one, what will befall
One who fails to follow this diet and all

Said the all-knowing one

Know that if you disobey me, you can give up all hopes
That your love life will be any better than the pope's

And moreover if I see any back-chat or sass
Concerning this diet, I might just kick your ass.

My concern for my toenails my demeanour does soften
Or else I would have kicked your butt far more often

For the next time I see you with fries or a sweet
You had better leg it out of here because you're meat

32 comments:

ruSh.Me said...

A GUY on a DIET!!!!!!!!!

Very Strange and rare Occurrence! Even the scientists are trying to find the origin for this wonderful and weird phenomenon!!! Will let you know the secret when thy find out!!!

Shilpa said...

A very knowledgable man once said,
Happy wife = Happy life.

So you better start listening to her, Mr.Shenoy.

Idling in Top Gear said...

"Know that if you disobey me, you can give up all hopes
That your love life will be any better than the pope's"

Brilliant! That sums up the power of the wife, doesn't it!

silk smitha and disco shanti said...

shenoyy sir...awsome one i say....!!
"in which one gets all ones carbohydrates from fruits and vegetables, and proteins from soya granules. And taste from memory"

ROFL...!! and is noodles not included in this diet...!??

Coconut Chutney said...

Following a diet is hard I must say
Cause dietary fibre tastes much like hay
But if we break the rules we're punished and how
Our tummies expand, they'd rival a cow
So when in a diet, carbohydrates we should never eat
and instead convince our poor palate that green leaves are quite a treat

Coconut Chutney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cynic in Wonderland said...

.. the sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thoughts.

the agony, has brought out the poet to the fore!

Vivek said...

Recomended last line -
'Because you're DEAD meat'

Poetry added to the list eh?
SIMPLE RULE OF THUMB:

EAT WELL,
STAY FIT,
DIE ANYWAY.

Sid said...

man you are awesome!!!!
LOL!

Princess Fiona said...

hehehhehe....good one!!! quick question...is the missus aware that she is featured on your blog oh so often? :)

Rithish said...

my xmas dose of laughter!!! :-D thanks yous verys muchs

Partho said...

My concern for my toenails my demeanor does soften
Or else I would have kicked your butt far more often...

Priceless. You are at the top of your game, sir! Guess those lettuce and broccoli are bringing out the best in you!

gauri said...

LOL. I wish I had discovered your blog earlier!

-g

thunderskies said...

ROTFL... Every line is hilarious !
.
.
.
The diet seems to have gotten ur creative juices flowing!

rambodoc said...

I can sympathise with Mr Shenoy.
He, however, has forgotten to mention the occasional forays into pizzerias (pepperoni and cheese X2) and Laphroaig's....only the occasions are daily.
The only essential support for a good diet is a bad memory!

narendra shenoy said...

@rush.me - That should read "A guy scared witless into a diet". Nothing voluntary about it.

@Shilpa - Don't want to make generalizations but to make a wife happy, a husband's misery is often the 'sine qua non' (if I've got the term right, though it sounds like a WWII instruction to destroy an enemy ship. "Sink Wannon", if you get my drift)

@idling - Dear bachelor, that is only ONE of the powers of a wife. Mysterious powers will be revealed to you the day you pick up the pen and sign into the marriage register.

@silk - You are allowed to dream about noodles on tuesdays and fridays.

@chutney - That's great poetry! Are you related to Emily Dickinson? By the way, the comparison between dietary fiber and hay is very apt, except of course that hay is tastier.

@cynic - Only a soul in torment can produce poetry, they say, but a digestive system in agony can be quite productive too.

Vivek - Thanks for demoralizing me! I was assured that this diet will immunize me to death.

Sid - Thanks!

@princess - Usually she doesn't know. From time to time though, some busybody alerts her with a "Hahaha. Naren wrote this great post featuring you.." But my medical insurance covers fractured ribs, so I get by.


@ritish - Thanks!


@Partho - Thanks! Nothing like a bit of starvation to get the poetry muscles going


@gauri - Thanks! You're quite a rhymer yourself (just read doc's blog). One bows in admiration

@thunderskies - Thanks!

@doc - I was trying to hush things up but she found my Dominoes free pizza coupons this afternoon. Action is awaited, though I fervently hope it doesn't involve any orthopedic treatment.

And the "The only essential support for a good diet is a bad memory!" is a masterpiece. Will be used liberally tomorrow (dinner party) without scruple regarding copyright.

Prats said...

Brilliant...if triglycerides can get out the poetic nuances from a ghaas poos diet ridden 'pope' mortal...i'm sure the wifey can get some benefits too...
have to say, the simple lives of being married is showing up here...lol!!!!

BUt ** the meal on banana leaf is prasad...and u can't say no to prasad can you??? **

Devil Incarnate said...

Myyyyy goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U R ON A DIET?????????
great going, u betr lstn to her for a happy life :)

RukmaniRam said...

"you are someone who could use deodorant"

hahahahahahahaha!

P.S: The same goes for the rest of the post too, btw

vanilla said...

diet-a? good luck. I think you'll need it.

discombobulated said...

hey naren...dont die yet...just diet.Btw..its seems that ur on seafood diet...u see food and eat it.well work hard Sheela,naren may one day win the Nobelly prize.Till then .So cheers to the triumph of mind over platter>>>

Preeti said...

Gym...? Do u gym Uncle S?

SRK said...

You can't eat rice,
you'll pay a heavy price!

You can't have red meat,
and don't even try to cheat!

If you even think of butter,
your neck is placed on a cutter!

you wish you could just lie on a slab,
while someone hacks away all the extra flab!

you plead for some food with good taste,
they jus say, "your life will go waste"

You cry, "this is absolutely not fair!"
they say, "oh, you can have any amount of air"

ki said...

Why the diet?
Isn't it awful NOT to be able to eat?
And don't feel sad about the pooja, thibk of it as prasadam, refusing any of it would have incurred the wrath of the Gods! :P

Anonymous said...

will await a pic of the newly svelte Shenoy saar....enquiring minds want to know :)...and btw good luck avoiding fractured ribs and orthopedic treatment - somehow methinks you like tempting fate :)

Anna Bond said...

"you are someone who could use deodorant" Ha! Superb I say.

Now I can't wait to use that line on someone else. Let me check my armpits first.

THUD
*Drops Dead*

Curry Pan said...

wow. im impressed now by the evolution of man. they are actually capable of dieting now!!

jus stumbled over to ur's from bikerdude's!! will def be back for more!!

Arun Sundar said...

"taste from memory"!!! hahahhaa for almost all the lines!!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Happy's for the new year!

YP said...

ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

That your love life will be any better than the pope's

ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Akshay said...

My first time here...sure to be back!! awesome stuff!

Padmaja said...

haha! hilarious!!!