Little Known Facts #2 - The US Olympic Relay Team and Hu Jintao

In an interesting revelation, Judge Charles Carter Lee, Chef de Mission of the US Olymic contingent to Beijing, told reporters that Hu Jintao, Paramount Leader of The Peoples Republic of China, the country best known for its intellectual freedom and supply of finely crafted products to Messrs. WalMart of Arkansas, can speak fluently in the colloquial "English" spoken in the United States.

Hu, a keen follower of American Sport, especially Track and Field, asked to be briefed regarding the US delegation to Beijing, concerned that simmering discontent over his country's sensitive and democratic handling of Tibet might affect participation in the Olympic Games.

Judge Lee, who speaks Mandarin Chinese fluently, went to the Great Hall Of The People Who Did Not Perish Under Chairman Mao to meet Hu. After the usual diplomatic preliminaries, ("The United States of America respects the Territorial Integrity of China and recognizes its inalienable right over Taiwan, Tibet, Xinjiang, South Korea, The Japanese Kuriles and eastern Alaska. Oops, and Great Britain and Northern Ireland") Hu asked about the sprinters, and requested Judge Lee to speak in "English", though he himself replied in Chinese.

Judge Lee confessed that while the US sprinters were still among the greatest in the world, they were being outclassed by the Jamaicans, especially a young lad named Bolt. Even in the 4x100 relay, things were far from certain.

"The team composition is a bit weakened." Lee said. "The men are running without Dix"

A rattled Hu is reported to have told Lee "You've gotta be shittin me!"

Laughed my beast of burden off

I don't know where my brats get all this stuff, but here's something that had me laughing real hard.

On the insightful commentary by DD experts at the Beijing Olympics

We have been watching with pride that great spectacle of sporting action, The Olympics. Currently being held at Beijing, an important research centre for the effect of smog on human endurance, one of the highlights is the Indian contingent, which has done more for international goodwill than any other country.

It has achieved this by the elegantly simple expedient of letting others win which, as the reader will readily acknowledge, is a delicate art.

This year, of course, the well oiled Indian Sports Establishment slipped up and allowed a winner to participate under its banner. A shooter, Abhinav Bindra, not only insinuated himself into the contingent but went on to win a gold medal, to the embarassment of Suresh Kalmadi, the chairman of the Indian Olympic Association.

"A lifetime of patient work has been wrecked by Mr Bindra" he is reported to have said. "God knows how many young people he will inspire to try and win."

God of course is the well known power that has helped many athletes to achieve greatness, though nowadays nandrolone is considered to be superior. But we digress.

Coming back to our main topic, Mr. K. P. S. Gill was equally upset.

"Make me the chairman of the IOAC" he said. "I ensured that under my expert guidance, the Indian Hockey team did not even qualify. As chairman of the IOC, I will ensure that the next olympic contingent will consist only of officials and coaches. No participants."

A bold claim, but knowing Mr. Gill and his capabilites, not unrealistic.

Shocked out of their complacency, the officials huddled into an emergency damage control exercise and decided that while nothing could be done about Abhinav Bindra, they could make the rest of the coverage so boring and lifeless that the nation would tune into the many exciting cricket tournaments being played around the world and watch a ball being senselessly hammered around a field. Future generations, instead of running, jumping and shooting, would settle down to the much more financially rewarding pastime of hitting balls around and being called little masters.

The main task of making the coverage boring was rendered difficult by the excellent camera work of the Chinese crew, a most tiresome bunch of perfectionists, if we may say so.

But Mr. Kalmadi and the other officials had farsightedly included Hindi and English commentators who could obfuscate and uh-um-aah through anything that might happen in a stadium. In addition, they had been selected for special sentence-construction skills.

For example, one commentator, who spoke about Akhil Kumar's performance in the boxing ring, said that he "boxed very very good today." Then, thinking this over for a second added that "he boxed EXTREMELY very very good", leaving the viewers in no doubt.

These are high standards, as you will doubtless agree, and well worth the several million dollars that the Government is spending, taking them on an all expenses paid vacation to the Olympics, because when you have a billion people in your country, you never know which one will take it into his or her head to excel.

Little known facts #1 - Modern History

The assiduous Swiss have been spring cleaning all their government offices, including the Patent Office in Berne, where a document has been found that might throw light on one of this century's most radical theories. According to this document, a page from the diary of one Mileva Maric, her husband Albert "Emceesquared" Einstein, suffered a nervous breakdown circa 1904. He was advised a rest cure and chose the tropical Portuguese dominion of Goa. Being straitened of means, he decided to stay in an inexpensive B&B run by one Mr. D'Souza. Now the D'Souza's had a big fight over property with the Sequiera's next door and one day, the Sequira brothers caught hold of Mr. D'Souza's son Ronnie and started whaling the tar out of him, as the technical term goes.

Albert, a known pacifist, was aghast. "Why protect him you do not?" he asked of Uncle D'Ssouza who was observing the proceeding with scant concern.

"What? What you sayin, men?" enquired Uncle D'Souza

"When two men him attack, why do him not you defend"? Albert clarified.

"Heh", Uncle D'Souza said, scornfully. "E's equal to 'em Sequira's". And indeed, Ronnie held his own against the Sequira brothers.

"What say did you?" expressed Albert, with amazement.

Uncle D'Souza repeated himself, adding "If you don' com' yer hair, men, you're bloody going to look like a bloody med bugger".

But Albert couldn't hear any of it. He was rushing to catch the next steamer to France and from there to Berne. He had this big theory about e's equal to 'em sequiera's. "But", he said to himself, "the spelling a bit I had change better"

The Mummy Returns and Pulls Daddy's Legs

We've been watching a lot of TV at home these days, mostly a show called "Fear Factor". I have heard that they had a series specially for gay people, in San Francisco, but it turned out a bit differently. In fact, for reasons I cannot go into here, they're planning to call it the "Rear Factor". But the boys have been doing a bit of movie watching on their own and their favorite passtime is pulling the leg of their progenitor. Here's a recent dialogue.

Me: Hi guys, how was the movie (they went to see "The Mummy Returns - The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor")

Gautam: Nice. Great special effects

Vyaas: Especially the avalanche.

Me: Avalanche? You mean sandstorm, don't you?

Gautam: No, this movie is based in China and in the Himalayas. There are some abdominal snowmen as well

Vyaas: That's abominable snowmen, Gau.

Me: I think I know some abdominal slow men too.

Vyaas: Very funny. But the effects were quite good. All computer generated.

Me: Did you get scared

Vyaas: No. I've seen scarier.

Gautam: You know which is a scary Mummy Returns movie?

Me: Which one?

Vyaas: "The Mummy Returns and Finds Us on the Play Station instead of homework". Now THAT's a scary movie.

Gautam: (High fives Vyaas)

Me: You guys set me up for that one. Not fair! (Slinks away)

Going nuts - Exhibit A

I've just come across the sad story of a maternity hospital here having to turn away patients for want of experienced staff. Seems they're going through a mid-wife crisis. The management is to blame of course. The director of the hospital bought a large African parrot and one day it escaped from its cage. The staff tried to catch it, but succeeded only in enraging the bird. It bit several people and two elderly nurses died from the resulting complications. The police charged him with killing two crones with one bird. And speaking of the animal kingdom, there was an interesting interview of an elephant tamer. When asked how they manage these powerful animals during the mating season, when the male elephants are known to go berserk, he replied "We do what we musth". Global warming, incidentally, is thawing frozen lakes in the Arctic, endangering, among oother things, an ancient Eskimo practical joke. They scatter peas around a cutout in one of these frozen lakes. When the victim comes to take a pea, the prankster kicks him in the ice hole. Also sad is the cancellation of the Indian cricket tour to Zimbabwe on account of atrocities commited by the Mugabe regime. Of course, this won't be the first time this game has had to be abandoned because of the reign. And finally, Master Gautham feels that the opposite of Barcelona is Andar se lo na.

Ask the Management Guru - II

Welcome back to your favorite agony column - Ask the Management Guru. Today our focus will be on behavioral issues, social issues, interpersonal issues, issues of etiquette, adult entertainment - ok, not adult entertainment - and general issues not directly related to work.

Recent research indicates that such issues constitute 97 percent of everything happening in the typical organization. So kindly listen up.


Q. My boss uses a pink cellphone, waxes his chest and giggles in meetings. Is he gay? Will he make a pass at me? - Concerned Male Management Trainee, San Francisco

Dear Concerned:
Please understand that gay people are humans too, and as normal as you and me. Just as a heterosexual man would not grab at every passing female, unless of course he is W. J. Clinton of Little Rock, Arkansas, a gay man will not be trying to pinch your buns. Unless you have very cute buns, in which case it will be wise to wear baggy trousers to work and avoid bending over to pick up things when in his office.

Also, please note that merely carrying pink cellphones and giggling in meetings does not mean that he his gay. Even if he waxes his chest. If you really want to find out if he's gay, here's a good test. It's called the "Love-bite test". If he has love bites on his chest, he is straight. If he has love bites on his back, chances are he is gay. Unfortunately, to run this test, you have to get him to take his clothes off, in which case you'll probably find out in more direct ways if he is gay. Ha Ha Ha.


Q. Is it ok to burp at board meetings? - "Gas" Ramachandran, Chennai

Dear "Gas" - It is alright as long as you don't wake anyone up. Also, try to burp in C-major as research indicates that it is conducive to milk production in cattle.

Q. Is it alright to fall in love with an internal auditor? Ms. "Romance" Sharma, Delhi

Dear "Romance". It is NOT alright! How do you know how many unsuspecting women he has already audited internally? How do you he wont audit every pretty face he comes across? Unless he promises to stick to external audits, I think you should stay far away from this species of shark.

Q. I have just been elevated to Vice President in our company and suddenly, all I seem to be doing is playing golf. Is this a waste of time? Conscientious, Mumbai

Dear Conscientious
Which dweeb selected you for the position of Vice President, I should like to know. Waste of time, forsooth! At least you had the sense to conceal your real name, because otherwise, you would have been demoted to Assistant Sales Manager right away. Unless you work for an American company, in which case Vice President is probably the entry level position and your promotion would be to Assistant Sales Manager. Golf, dear Conscientious, is the reason why companies are incorporated and funds raised from the public. Now don't go around asking questions like this. Improve your handicap instead.

Must watch for engineers (humans may skip)

Is this for real?

A little bird tells us that Apple is commissioning W.J. Clinton of Little Rock, Arkansas, to write his real, unabridged and completely candid memoirs on the condition that he calls it "I Pawed.."

Watch this if you could use a laugh