Wednesday, April 9, 2008


I've been tagged by OK to write about my crushes. Tough one.

My relationship with the opposite sex has been so platonic that I could make Pope John Paul Two look like a love rat. Not because of any lack of intent. Far from it, in fact. My personality is such. But I wont whine, no siree, we shall make this a nice little autobiographical account by counting as crushes even the slight stirrings I have felt.

Number one - H, 10th grade class mate. Modelled closely on the lines of an ironing board, H was crushed upon because of her fair skin and light eyes. My little crush was finished when I undertook to explain to her a sonnet (Shakespeare's Let me not to the marriage of true minds....) because of the impervious nature of her skull, which appeared to have been made of the finest ivory. There is a line in that poem "the star to every wandering bark" where "bark" means boat. H knew of only one meaning for that word, namely woof woof, refusing to accept that there could be any other, including outer covering of tree.

Number two - R.V., French teacher in a basic French course I joined when I got my first job. I joined the course because I thought that French was the international language of love. It is no such thing. Plus I thought there would be girls! Females! Women! Babes! Chicks! Actually there were 14 of the gender F, 7 of whom were over 60 and the rest under 13. R.V. was the only one who was what they call "mature reproductive female" in biological circles. Said female however showed no inclination to reproduce with anyone, leave alone with a bucktoothed, pot-bellied, bespectacled and humbly employed engineer with a tendency to laugh uncontrollably at his own jokes. So that was that.

Number three - A.R., colleague at work who had extremely mountainous terrain between the 30th and 40th parallel and hence a huge fan following, including me. I was by then a suave and smooth talker and I actually took her out for a cup of coffee to the nearby Kamat's restaurant. Two coffees, I replied to the waiter's surly "Han, Kya mangta hai?" and A. R. said no, just one coffee, I'll have fresh lime soda salted. Then she explained in great detail what happened to her when she had coffee, how it affected her motions, what color they would turn, how they would smell.... leaving out no detail in her endeavour to increase my knowledge of her quirky medical problems, presumably to enable me to write a knowledgeable biography, when the time came.

Number four - Madam Sheela, who is to this day the apple of my eye and the tree on which hangs the fruit of my life, my boss, saviour and generalissimo. In connection with which I HAVE to tell you guys the story of how we met and got married, both the authentic one and the jazzed up one I have for public consumption. Will need another post.



rads said...

awwww :-)
Better copyright those lines - apple of my eye, yada yada - there are many young men roaming the net for lines such as these!

Alliance Francaise?

Unknown said...

Hahahahaha! This was hilarious! Damn, I must stop reading your posts at 2 am. It always makes me laugh like a lunatic and I am scared my parents will think I am smoking some wrong stuff.
"Pope John Paul like a love rat"! This is one gem!! Hahaha, pliss to be writing about your lowwe ishtory too.

By the way, I am surprised there was no reference to partiotic fervour and Satygraha et al considering your age and all. Your youth was sometime during the period of 1930s, right? :D

Pri said...

the only reason anyone ever joined alliance gonecase was for "the crowd". i did too. i learnt absolutely no french except that chococat gateau means chocolate cake and avec moi means with me.

Anonymous said...

@Rads: All copied from PGW!

This was hilarious. I loved the "mature reproductive female" bit. Hell, I thought every bit was hilarious:).


P.S. Drenched, good one!

Anonymous said...

"who had extremely mountainous terrain between the 30th and 40th parallel"

Haha, I cannot stop laughing! You are simply amazing!!

Ron Lemon said...

ha ha... amazing stuff... A.R just swept my heart away... just the kind of lady I wanna have coffee with ;D

Lavanya said...

rofl, awesome stuff, loved the John Paul reference.
And :O at the mountainous terrain, am I the only one who noticed it?

Enjoyicious Totalus :D

Preeti said...

U alwayz leave us waitin for more, dont u? Clever trick, Mr.Shenoy, Clever trick indeed... Now, everyone is beggin u for your "How I Met my Wife" story... ;)

Anywayz, thoroughly enjoyed this one...These days I'm in awe of older and younger bloggers than me...Your the 'coolest' older one (older => elder than me, im not takin a dig at ur age. Which goes on to reiterate my nice girl status.Ahem)

Unknown said...

Hahahaha, Preethi, the clever Mr. Gere, I mean, Shenoy can start his own series of "How I Met Your Mother" for Gautham and Vyaas. :P

And how come I never talked about Alliance Francaise (ROTFL@ Pri's Alliance Gonecase) last night? Guess I was too busy laughing. Ah, well, I was one of those no-I-wanna-be-fluent-in it. Got too obsessed with it for four long years. Still suffering...and in the end, all I get to hear from people is, "French sounds like you're whispering some deep dark secret to the other person, something like all the wrongs you did to your younger siblings." Bleh. So much for a passion. :/

Cynic in Wonderland said...

...what! you let the minor impediment of a brain come in the way of a romance with H? Tsk, tsk. Why did u want conversation anyways!

Unknown said...

@rads - You guessed. Alliance Francaise. Or, as Pri puts it Alliance Gonecase, which made me roar with laughter when I read it and is making me chuckle quietly to myself, leading to socio-political complications at home and office.

@drenched - Thanks, babe. And for the last time, I AM NOT OLD. Chronologically disadvantaged, perhaps. Not old.

@pri - Alliance gonecase! One of the few drawbacks of blogging is that it is difficult to convey the act of roaring with laughter. That is so apt I am kicking myself for not having thought of it myself in the 20 years that I have known of its existence.

@ok - only one or two plucked from PGW ;-)

Thanks, mate. I hope you're more successful in the dating game than I have been (not counting Sheela whom I won in a lucky draw. Sort of.)

gradwolf - thanks, mate.

ron lemon - I believe A.R. is still not spoken for. I can put in a word, if you like. I think the right guy for her is a pathologist who likes taking work home.

Unknown said...

@chutney - Thankus verrisimus. A bit like the Himalayas lying on their side, if you get my drift!

@preeti - You are so sweet! That the nicest thing someone has said to me in a long while.

The sequel thing? Read your Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew and you will see something like ..".. and Frank smiled at Joe and Chet, little knowing that soon, they would be embroiled in the Mystery of the Crooked Dog-Turd". Intended, of course, to plug sales, not just an altruistic announcement of future plans.

@drenched- Four years! You must be talking through your nose so much, I guess you have to breathe through your mouth. I doffe le hatte to vous dans le respecte et l'admiration.

ROFL at "French sounds like you're whispering some deep dark secret ....". You're too good.

@cynic - ROFL at your comment. Not just the comment but also the fact that it came from a babe.... wait a minute, you're satirizing, aren't you?

Nanditha Prabhu said...

ha ha !waiting for your sequel

Anita said...

:) It is so good to have retrospective looks over crushes. pls post the bit about meeting your wife. quite looking forward to it

Bhel Puri & Seekh Kabab said...

So nothing happened before 10th grade??? Nose buried in too many PGW books? Btw, ironing board is a new term for me; the term we used was tennis court.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

..heheh yus i was...actually not totally.

one of my er.. ex crushees, had this habit of quoting confucius female- disparaging quotes to me to uhm get me riled up and what not. After a while, I figured out, it was more fun to cordially agree with everything he said ( that would get him all riled up)

Shubzi said...

Landed on your blog through a friend's blog, I must say it's a very entertaining post. Very smart marketing trick too, now I'm really looking forward to your next post. You better hurry up mister.

Arun Sundar said...

First time here, pretty good writing I say! lol at Pope's comparison :)

S said...

Awwwww :)
I'm waiting for the love story now!

Maddy said...

fascinating stuff man- something made me stop at bit at the french crush and ponder, then i read on...aha you plan to launch the sequel eh..hmmm ...high command ok obtained??

Unknown said...

@nanditha - Thanks. Posting soon.

@anita - Thanks. The sequel follows

@bpsk - I was one of them late bloomers. Everyone in class was hairy as a Kodiak bear while I had the macho looks of a recently sheared sheep.

@cynic - You should do this tag yourself. I'm curious to know how your crushees handled your Bhatakti Atma phases, for instance :-D

Unknown said...

@aarushi - Welcome and thanks. One post coming up, as per your order.

@arun - Welcome and thanks

@shweta - One love story coming up, though not in the Romeo Juliet league, please be warned

@maddy- We do all this without high command ok - sort of black market blogging. If I'm caught, of course, you'll know. I'll be the one with the black eye and the arm in a sling.

KD. K Bodhi said...

Hey I moved:).

Shruti said...

hey.. u do tags well.. hmm.. I should keep this in mind B-)