Sunday, April 6, 2008

Jeeves and the Idiot Box - #2

"The city of Mumbai is known for its night clubs and fine dining, sir", said Jeeves. "Perhaps you would like to visit some of them."

"Sounds like a topping idea!" I replied. "Bring on the gentleman's raiment and let us make merry."

And thus did I find myself at a prominent night club which, for reasons of legal prudence, I shall leave unnamed.

As far as the eye could see, there was a sea of wriggling humanity packed like so many sardines and dancing in the manner of felines who have accidentally found themselves deposited on hot tin roofs (or is it rooves? Must ask Jeeves).

I had had the foresight to reach early and occupy a vantage point, for otherwise, Bertram Wilberforce Wooster would surely have been known to posterity as Bertram Wilberforce Wooster The Flattened, such was the chaos on the floor. And the rum thing was everyone seemed to be enjoying it immensely.

The music too was a bit mystifying. It might have been named "Concerto for Pneumatic Hammer in C-Minor", for all its tonal qualities, but the attendees welcomed it in the manner of the rats welcoming the Pied Pipers flute number. Moreover, I had every reason to believe that, like me, they were paying through their respective noses for this pleasure.

I spent the evening sucking up some potent strawberry martinis and before long, felt an overpowering desire for quiet repose. I staggered outside and got the doorman, who looked like he was the Maharajah of Patiala, with twirled mustaches you could hang hats on, to find me a cab.

"Jeeves," I said, after I had been brought back to life by one of his excellent pick me ups, "this is not the life for us. I must find something more sedate to amuse me of an idle evening".

"Perhaps we might purchase a television set, sir," he said. "I have heard that the Indian soap operas are most entertaining".

And on the morrow, I found a large carton with an enthusiastic gentleman attached, ringing the door bell. Jeeves having stepped out for something, I opened the door and got it installed. And here's the thing. No matter which channel one tuned to, one found a stout actress of uncertain age answering to the name of Smriti Irani, gritting her teeth and looking like she was about to explode.

Switching off the device, I stepped out for a spot of lunch and when I returned what should I find but Jeeves glued to the television, a Hindi-English dictionary in hand, staring at the aforementioned stout lady like Hillary Clinton eying a super delegate. The man was hooked.

Well, what does add to such a tragic tale? We are now in the process of receiving advanced instruction in the nuances of the Hindi language and all our waking hours are spent in either watching or talking about the said soap operas. Jeeves has built a large network of informed sources who tell him what happened, what is happening and what will be happening soon, on "Mere Apne" and "Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi bahu thi". I fear for my sanity after spying a respectable looking middle aged gentleman (one N. Shenoy, of Malad west, for the record) walking down the street pulling out his hair and muttering silently to himself. It is said that he watched three soaps back to back.

(Author's note - I know, I know, this is the rottenest story you ever read, but I watched three soaps back to back, as you have noted, and I think I am more to be pitied than censured)


KD. K Bodhi said...

"Bertram Wilberforce Wooster would surely have been known to posterity as Bertram Wilberforce Wooster The Flattened,"

"who looked like he was the Maharajah of Patiala, with twirled mustaches you could hang hats on, to find me a cab."

Brilliante! Seriously. Loved it. Part I was great. But, it wasn't quite PGW. This one is vintage PGW.

Unknown said...

I totally second Ok! (much as a I dislike agreeing with someone who's way less smart than I am) This one's true Wodehouse style!
"(or is it rooves? Must ask Jeeves). "
"with twirled mustaches you could hang hats on"
Hahahahahahaha! Totally loved these!!! :D And stout lady of uncertain age...hehehehe.
More, more, more. :D

BTW, Mere Apne? New show? Darn, how could I miss it?! *scandalised*

Anonymous said...


Like they have cover bands, now we have cover author. Only thing, we cannot tell the difference here!!

And yeah am as ignorant as drenched. Mere Apne? How come its noe Kmere Apne???


Cynic in Wonderland said...

great stuff!

Unknown said...

its not that Bad...!!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

btw i forgot to ask - WHY have u been watching kyunki soaps

Preeti said...

Lol@ gradwolf's Kmere apne :D

n sorry, though the story wasn't bad, no pity for someone who brought the 'doom' upon himself :D

N said...

Could have been fooled into thinking this one was a Wodehouse original, really good stuff

Anita said...

please tell me you were made to watch the soaps at gun point. i can't think of other good reasons

Somebody Else said...

Its totally alright to watch Soaps. Why Jeeves should tell you!

Man this was funny. :)

rupagulab said...

Am in stitches! Let harts pant for cooling streams, I will take my Wooster-Booster refreshment here!

Unknown said...

@ok - Thank you, sir. Indeed gratifying!

@drenched - I am suprised that a person of your gender could be impervious to the charms of Vinod Khanna, who occupies about 97 percent of wife's attention between 10 and 10.30 pm every evening. What are you, Mother Teresa?

@gradwolf - Kmere Apne! serious lapse. Your ignorance is excused, BTW. Men are not expected to watch anything with a plot that does not involve women in bikinis. - It's all fine for people your gender to say it's not bad. Ask the nearest male.

@cynic - Why did I have to watch the soaps? Long story. It so happened that I had to attend this seminar on a software product named LabView, to which I dragged missus. She asked me a couple of times as to whether it would be technical and I assured it would not. Alas, I was wrong. It was so technical that if you were to stand up there and deliver a lecture on sub-atomic particles, people would have mistaken you fr a stand-up comic. Three fun-filled hours later, we left, the wife breathing fire thru her nostrils, pledging revenge. That revenge was the three soaps back to back.

Unknown said...

@preeti - agree! ;-)

@neon - Thanks. I just love Wodehouse, whom we fans refer to as the Master.

@anita - Not gunpoint, but close. It was as voluntary an action as can be when someone is threatening to pinch your flabby midriff unless you do it.

@siri thanks!

@rupagulab - Harts panting for cooling streams! You're one of us, aren't you? Welcome!